What Else Does The Box Say?

The box says, "Shut up, Steve," but of course you knew that. If you're like me, you've been weirdly fixated on this Multi-Grain Cheerios commercial (the one with the bullying woman and her hyper-accommodating husband). For weeks now, I've found myself responding to peoples' earnest questions by desperately pleading, "Nonononono! It's just the box!"



Imagine if you will my astonishment when I learned that Steve and the missus are actually British. I'll give you a second to let that sink in.

That's right, they're actually British, with British accents. The American-accented voices we've been hearing have been dubbed over a British commercial. They've even computer-CGIed a different box over the original euro one! I was only able to find this small sample of the original British commi, but it's more than enough to cause cognitive dissonance-related permanent brain or spinal cord injury.



Remember folks, you heard it here.

Captain Jack Sparrow in a Punchbowl

I went to Disneyland yesterday, and I'm here to vent about how crappy the updates to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride are. Jesus, sweet merciful Jesus.

Apparently, based on the success of "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie(s), they decided to add the Captain Jack Sparrow character references and appearances to the ride. I've never seen the movie(s), and I don't usually care about movies based on rides (although I am anxiously awaiting the Teacups move starring DeNiro and Pacino as the handle and spout, respectively). I can't understand why they'd ever feel the need to change anything about the ride, because it was perfect in every way, but the way they did it was just really clumsy and lame.

I should admit that I'm a bit of a Disneyland reactionary; I'm always dismayed to find they've demolished an attraction that I really liked. I understand that they're trying to make more money and blah, blah, blah, but if they have to do something like this, I'd just expect them to do a better job because this is Disney for chrissake.

Basically, what happened is this: Some of the existing pirates' dialogue has been sprinkled with the words "Captian Jack Sparrow," and there are several animatronic Johnny Depps inserted throughout the ride. The reason it sucks is because the new stuff is so incongruous with what was already there. The Johnny Depps are wearing completely different costuming than all the other pirates; he's dressed like the movie character with his little braids and ribbons or whatever. Even worse, his features are realistic, which looks really dumb and somewhat creepy compared to the cartoony original pirates. It all has this really "shoved in there" feel.

Yeah, but I still had fun. The end. Maybe I'll say something nice later.

The Fonz Is Cool

Hey folks, here the latest linoleum reduction cut print I did; it's The Fonz. (The Fonz is cool.)


The image size is 9x12 and The Fonz is cool.

Fits and Starts

Here's a screenprint I finished yesterday, if anybody gives a hoot. I also did a version that serves as a flyer for CMG & We Are The Night (a band I used to be in, but I'm not in it anymore).

Let this hereby also serve as a plug for their show:
CMG & We Are The Night
November 30th, 2008
Alex's Bar
Long Beach, CA

Opie and Andy and The Fonz endorse Obama

Dude. As I watched this, my eyes were watering and I experienced emotions that were probably best left unexperienced. You should really watch this; Andy Griffith is a true American saint.

"Well, Ope, people are funny...Sometimes change scares them, and they'd rather keep doing the same ol' thing that's been messing them up than change to the thing that can help them."

http://projects.newsobserver.com/under_the_dome/opie_and_andy_on_obama

Generations F through M

I've got a few prints in this show that's opening at the Long Beach State on Sunday:


There's always free snacks and wine at these things. Let's hope this time is no exception. There'll be, like, four different adjacent galleries with other shows, too.

Incidentally, I make prints, yes.

Ink2 Printmaking Exhibition
Opening Reception - Sunday, October 26, 5 to 7 PM
Cal State University, Long Beach
Dutzi Gallery

Yes, Virginia: (To Be Continued...)

Here are the main vague criteria that I use when I'm determining who to vote for:

1. The candidate has to have policies that more closely reflect my own beliefs than the other guy's policies.
2. I have to be ok with the idea of the candidate "representing (us to the rest of the world)."
   

There's lots of other details, but who cares. I'm mainly just trying to paint the picture that I'm voting for Obama, but not because he's black. I'm voting for him because of lots of stuff.

But I'm just saying, as an extra, extra added secret bonus: How can you resist helping elect the first black president ever, for christsake? You're cool with the idea of being 90 and having people ask you if you voted for the first black president ever, and you have to tell them that you voted for the cranky old white guy and the bimbo?

Dude.

The Boot & The Bonnet of It All

I'm sort of happy for the moment because, well, to make a long story short: The phone company didn't want to "credit" me back money that they fully were supposed "credit" back to me (or whatever, is credit even a verb?), and they completely were not going to do it at all, even after three emails back and forth where I was like, "Dude," but finally (because I knew I was right and I knew they had nothing on me) I was like all, "Sigh. This is taking waaay too much time, I'm totally just contacting the Better Business Bureau if you don't resolve this by Monday," (this was Friday, and I was actually paraphrasing, not quoting myself directly) and I had no idea whether or not that carried any water whatsoever, honestly, and I thought my threat might even elicit some hearty chuckles around the phone company water cooler (trying to keep the metaphors aquatic), but lo and behond, here it is Monday, and THAT's right.

I got a very polite and apologetic email from them saying they were going to undo all the charges and so sorry and jesus christ and everything. Who'd have thought it?

So, I'm just saying: Better Business Bureau. Right? Apparently.

(Insert prostitute-themed one-liner here).

Sense and Sensibilitude

Hear ye, hear ye: Here's a new Underwear Lane comic, which was made entirely from 100% love.

(click to make large)

Mother May I

I have created another Underwear Lane comic just for you (and a half-dozen or so striking steel workers, of all people).

(click to make large)

Two-fer For Sunday and Monday

I've never seen a UFO, but I really want to. I'm always able to swiftly identify the objects (Os), and it's a bit of a letdown each time.

And don't think I'm not open to the "power of suggestion," because I am. I'm also eager to jump to hasty conclusions if that's what it takes.

So please, Jesus: UFO.

Yeah Baby Austin Powers

New Underwear Lane comic:

I dare ya not to laugh.

The Miserables!

Here's some advice for the kids: All women are completely different.

I know this flies in the face of conventional man-wisdom, but I've honestly come to believe this. Women might as well all be members of different species.

However, guys are all the fucking, goddamn, jesus christ, son-of-a-b same.

pink moustache

I made this pink moustache, and I took a lot of pictures during the process. Some of the early shots vanished mysteriously. Boo. (Ghost boo, not opposite-of-yay boo.)

Please visit my flickr page for lots of juicy pictures of this baby at every stage.

Beech & Peach

I hate myspace and i've always hated it, even though I've had a myspace account for a long time. Way before you.

I started it as a joke. Back then nobody knew what it was, and a friend sent me a link to her myspace profile. I guess I made my own profile to sort of make fun of her a little bit, which seems sort of mean now.

And I'm guessing that the myspace people want their name to come across as if it's being cooed by a jet-age stewardess but it's always had stampy-foot-Shirley-Temple tantrum-y connotations for me. "Go away, you bad, bad man! This is MySpace! (italics mine)"

But now when I say I hate it, people look at me dumbfounded, like I said I hated air.

So I'm just going to hold my nose and force myself to go on there more often and integrate myself back into society.

Wish me luck!

BB Gun

Here is a brand new Underwear Lane comic just for you.

Some of the #1 Causes

Funny and spontaneous comedic riffings for you to quote with your friends at parties:

What on earth? "Death Chocolate?" No thanks!

"Bitch Pack!" What? And what is "Ass Garlic?" Is that even a thing? Sheesh.

Boy. Now I've heard everything! "Rectum?" Who'd want that?

Big Lily of the Big Valley (Girl)

And just 'cause I mentioned people having "crushes," it doesn't mean that I have a "crush" on anyone. It was like a joke or something. You know, like a "knock, knock" joke?

When someone tells a "knock, knock" joke, they're not actually knocking on a door. Ok? Get it?

Fifty points for anyone who can tell me what kind of fallacy I just committed. You know, red herring, straw man, slippery slope, etc.

(The three preceding paragraphs were designed to be read aloud in a Shining/Cuckoo's Nest-era Jack Nicholson impression. Live a little.)

Cat and Mouse and Dog

At what age are you too old to have "a crush?" Like, when you're 90, do you have "crushes" on people?

It's not "cool" to have "crushes." The Fonz never had "a crush" on someone.

I know, you're thinking he had "a crush" on Pinky, but he didn't. The Fonz had "a thing" for Pinky.

And that's a completely different thing.

Two-fer For Sunday

That's right, check it out: Two episodes of Underwear Lane for the low, low price of one.

We're trying to favor quantity over quality for a bit, to see how it goes.