Padre Pio's Revenge

Left to right: My Jack O' Lantern, Amanda's

We're roasting pumpkin seeds right now, which seems kind of ruthless, in a way.

Pines and Needles

Longtime "readers" will know that I don't consider this one of those "party blogs," and I don't feel like anyone would want to look at self-indulgent pictures of me and my friends clowning around and mugging for the camera, but this is different. This is music-related, so there's an excuse.

For Halloween, my friend Brian (who happens to be in The Gold State) put together a sort-of Devo tribute band that dressed as Devo and played all Devo songs. David and Leo of The Gold State were also in the band. Their versions of the songs were amazingly spot-on renditions, and I wish I got to hear more, but I was late to the party because I had mistakenly thought it was supposed to take place the following night. I probably shouldn't admit this. Thankfully, somebody called me and I got the message around 10:00.

Left to Right: Leo, Brian, Mr. P, David, Ricardo

Amanda and I were probably dressed as the most obvious things a couple could have possibly been for Halloween. You guessed it: Marie Antoinette and a pizza box chef, respectively.

Left to Right: Me, Amanda

Left to Right: Same as above, Amanda

CMG's Carlos DJed (dressed as Duff from Guns and Roses, as if you couldn't tell). He displayed the ultimate trust in me by letting me reluctantly take over the turntables for a half hour or so later in the evening. Needless to say, I played a completely unappetizing mixture of songs that repelled partygoers in droves. One thing I learned: One should never follow Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" with Hall & Oates' "Did it In a Minute."

Left to Right: Me, Carlos
Left to Right: You get the picture

Left to Right: Me, Brian

Left to Right: Me, Leo

I learned that my nose is really, really big, and I'm never going to grow a moustache, no matter what, partially because it accentuates the bigness of my nose in a bad way. I also learned to write down things such as dates of parties.

No more mugging party pics for quite some time. I promise.

Tin of Biscuits

Here's another primitive Instant Messenger drawing from my "Pants-Wetting Icons" series.

Please enjoy your H-ween weekend.

Ambergris

Do you know what ambergris is? I've heard of it before, and all I knew was that it was a vaguely nautical substance that's mentioned in sea-fairin' tales and the like. I found out recently that it's really expensive, so expensive, in fact, that if you find a chunk of it on a beach, you can use the proceeds to buy a house or two.

Ambergris has been used as an ingredient in perfume for ages due to its unique odor and properties. It comes only from sperm whales. Because the whales eat lots of giant squid, a substance forms in their digestive tracts that protects them from the squid's sharp beaks. After this substance collects inside a whale for some time, the whale will belch out a big ball of it into the water.

However, at this point, the ball of stuff is just smelly and disgusting and repellent. In order for it to achieve the texture, fragrance and chemical properties that make it more valuable, it has to float around in the ocean.

For TEN YEARS.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention that it's believed only one percent of sperm whales actually produce this substance.

So keep your eyes peeled.

Oh, one more thing, it's illegal to posses it in the US because of the Endangered Species Act of 1978.

Nighty night.

Packet of Crisps

"They" make us use Microsoft Instant Messenger to communicate with each other at my day job, and occasionally I use its primitive drawing tools to execute things like the above. Just thought I'd share.

Beaches

My "Best Gal" and I both ditched our day jobs Friday to go to Disneyland, and let me tell you.

Should I start with the stuff that sucked or the stuff that was good? I obviously can't hear you, so I'll pretend you said, "The stuff that sucked." Here's what sucked at Disneyland:

1. The Haunted Mansion - This should have been the highlight for me. What time of year is it? It's nearly Halloween, isn't it? And what better time to enjoy the Haunted Mansion? But no. For the season, they've decked the Haunted Mansion out in "Nightmare Before Christmas" stuff, inside and out. They changed almost every single thing!
   I craved the creepy organ music, and the rocking basslines that you used to be able to hear during the graveyard party scene, but it's all been replaced with crappy, new-agey Danny Elfman garbage.
   No more, "Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding," and, "Is this haunted room actually stretching," either. The narrator's whole spiel has been replaced with some "Nightmare Before Christmas" songsong-y, rhyme-y crap.
   As if this weren't bad enough everything has been covered with "snow" and "presents," and it's so poorly executed, it looks like it could have been done by the San Pedro Scrapbookin' Club.
   I could go on. My advice is don't go to Disneyland until they change it back. I'm done talking about it. I'm going to have nightmares.
   
2. Pirates of the Caribbean - I've heard rumors that this ride has been ruined by the addition of crap from the recent "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, which is only partially true, and for that, I'm grateful. I'll tell you what they've done.
   They've changed some audio to include awkward, out-of-place references to "Captian Jack Sparrow." For example, in the scene where the ship and the fortress are exchanging cannon-fire, the ship's captain used to say something like, "Avast ye, scurvy scum," but now he says something like, "Avast ye, scurvy scum, Captian Jack Sparrow!"
   There are also several new animatronic "Captian Jack Sparrows," that really look like Johnny Depp. The problem is that all the other pirates look somewhat cartoonish, so it's totally incongruent and lame and fucked up. Goddamn it, why? Do you people have no fucking shame whatsoever?
3. Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln - In case you've never seen this (and most people haven't and don't care) the Mr. Lincoln is good ol' Honest Abe the Great Emancipator, or rather, an animatronic version of Ol' Iron Logs himself. What happens is you enter a theater and watch a little Patriotic slide show that's accompanied by America-y, "Glory Glory, hallelujah," music, and then the curtain opens to reveal a robotic Old chicory who gives a Gettysburg address. I've forced countless faceless and nameless girlfriends to watch it over the years, girls whose faces and names escape me.
   Apparently, the Lincoln attraction was always considered "boring" by most people, and the Disney brass always wanted to get rid of it, but they kept it around because it was a pet project of Uncle Walt's.
   Much to my pissed-offness, it's gone now, but only temporarily, I was assured. The theater is now showing some "50-Years of Disneyland" thing, but the lady who worked there told me they'd bring back Lincoln as soon as that show was over, but conveniently, she didn't know when that would be.
4. Toontown - I wish it would go away. It's not good.
   

All the other stuff I loved that is now destroyed, has been gone for years, so I won't even mention any of it. On with the good stuff:

1. Pirates of the Caribbean - The 90% that hasn't been ruined is awesome!
2. The Indiana Jones Ride - It's so good, I can't believe it was made in the 90s.
3. Small World - It's worth it purely for the retro design elements.
4. Space Mountain - It's totally better than it was, I can't explain it.
5. Enchanted Tiki Room - Oh my god. How does this even exist anymore? How did the minds that decided to destroy midcentury classics like Mission to Mars and Adventure Through Innerspace allow this to remain?
   
6. Teacups - Teacups!!!!
7. All the Fantasyland Rides - Hooray!
8. The Primordial World - As seen from the Disneyland Railroad train. Somehow, this slipped through the cracks and was allowed to remain in existence.
9. Everything else that slipped through the cracks and was allowed to remain in existence - Tom Sawyer's Island, The Storybook boat thing, etc.
10. FastPass - My method is to go do the weird stuff that nobody likes (Mr. Lincoln, Tom Sawyer's Island, etc.) when the lines are long, and the FastPass thing totally enhances that.
    

Here's a free, unflattering picture of us on the new Buzz Lightyear ride which is kind of fun but who cares. You shoot stuff from the moving car thing and get points. They email you the unflattering photo for free, which is good publicity, because now, Reader Dearest, you're suddenly willing to shell out the 60-something bucks it costs to enter Disneyland, right?

Wait 'til the Haunted Mansion gets back to normal, though. I'm warning you.

Computer Software

I promise to be funny again very soon. In the meantime, please allow your whole family to enjoy these pictures of The Gold State last week at 14 Below in Santa Monica.

(Thanks for the pics, Amanda!)

Czechs & Balances

The Gold State, puzzled and vibrating at 14 Below (Photo: Thanks, Amanda!)

Stand By Your Mansion

Here's the dream I had last night:

The Gold State was playing a show in a 70s-era supermarket. I was up high near the ceiling at the back of the store on some kind of balcony thing with some employees who were listening to us.

I noticed that the other guys in the band weren't on the balcony with me, but I could hear them playing. It turned out that they were scattered separately all throughout the store in different aisles. I remember seeing the drums in the front corner of the store near the produce. None of the guys could see the others, but I could see all of them, as I was up on the balcony thing. I remembered thinking that it was a bizarre and probably bad idea for a show.

That's all I remember.

This dream could have something to do with the fact that we have a real, live, 21-&-over, FREE show tomorrow night (Tuesday) at 14 Below in Santa Monica with The Black Heartthrobs. Not that you should go or anything, but our band is really good and The Black Heartthrobs are really good.

Not that you should go or anything.

Clear as a Daisy

Hello and Jesus Christ. Here are a couple of upcoming free shows we're playing:

10/03/2006 9:00 PM (TUESDAY) - 14 Below
Don't miss The Black Heartthrobs at 10:00pm!
1348 14th St, Santa Monica, CA
21 & Over
FREE

11/04/2006 9:00 PM (SATURDAY) - UnUrban Cafe
3301 Pico Blvd, Santa Monica, CA
All Ages
FREE

Gosh bless America...every one.

Schick Center

The first half of the following conversation happened to a friend.

"Hey, do you like Mercury?"

Pause.

"Um...are you asking about the substance or the planet?"

Pause.

"Planet? Naw, man! I'm askin' about the GOD Mercury!"

Pause.

"Oh, the god. Yeah, he's pretty good."

Listmania!

We're fortunate to have so many generous friends with cameras.

More The Gold State, crowded onto the Unurban's tiny stage.
(Thanks for the photos, Amanda!)

You Are Soaking In it

The Gold State, crowded onto the Unurban's tiny stage.
(Thanks for the photo, Gerit!)

It's a Boy and/or Girl!

Here's your Print-and-keep "The Gold State at the Unurban Cafe" Camera Flyer.

You can cut out the camera and everyone will think you're holding it at a three-quarter angle, about to photograph someone other than them.

CLAMBAKE: Epilogue

We held the first CLAMBAKE(!) on Saturday, and we definitely learned a few things about holding a guerilla-style, all-acoustic beach/party show. More importantly, however, I think we all learned a little something about (pointing at chest) ourselves.

If you don't have time to read the whole thing, the following statement should convey the nature of the event: Our CLAMBAKE(!) turned out to be "A Charlie Brown Xmas" meets "National Lampoon's Vacation." Have fun at work.

Some of the planners and I agreed in advance to view this first CLAMBAKE(!) as an experiment of sorts, as a precaution against becoming disappointed in case things didn't go as smoothly as we'd hoped, which was fortunate.

I should first mention why we chose Dockweiler as opposed to other area beaches. We (the planners) had all agreed that fire was an essential element for our event, and there are only two beaches in the whole LA area where fire is allowed: Cabrillo Beach here in San Pedro, which is my own personal Alma Mater beach where I spent a great portion of my childhood, and Dockweiler State Beach which is directly beneath the flight path at LAX. We anticipated big crowds because of the Labor Day weekend holiday, and Cabrillo only has about five fire pits. However, Dockweiler has a seemingly infinite number of pits so I figured we'd have better luck there.

I arrived at 4:00 PM and there were no fire pits to be had on the whole goddamn beach. I planted the flag and figured that we'd merely grab the first pit to be vacated. I'll just tell you now, no pits ever opened up.

We all decided, at around sunset, that we wouldn't allow the lack of fire to sully our CLAMBAKE(!) so The Black Heartthrobs started their set, and it was really good.
We had all expressed concerns about the lack of amplified vocals, but it turned out to not be a problem. (We'd even talked about cheating a bit and bringing microphones.) I don't know why, but the singing and the instruments all came across at about the same volume.

By the time the The Black Heartthrobs finished, it had become apparent that all the fire pit-hoarders were there to stay, so I was a little worried about the sun going down and coldness setting in. In addition, we couldn't roast or toast anything, but I tried to put on a brave front.

Then CMG started their set, and during the second song, someone noticed that a tow truck was taking CMG Carlos's car! We scrambled up the hill, and we saw that the street signs were very ambiguous, and it took us a while to even figure out why they had towed it. As you might imagine, this put quite a damper on the already-fireless evening. The phone number-to-call on the street signs was a disconnected number, so we had to track down a policeman in order to get that information.

When we returned to our site, it was pretty much dark. Several revelers were getting ready to leave, and one volunteered to give Carlos a ride to the impound yard. It didn't seem that he was going to return, and I didn't blame him at all. The CLAMBAKErs shivered and huddled together for warmth in the grey twilight as the rest of the beach was ablaze in bonfires. Dockweiler was going to close in less than two hours, and I mulled over the possibility that Jesus once again had us licked.

People were complaining about being cold and hungry and about there not being fire, and I can't blame them because I felt the same way, and the clock was ticking and the threat of cars being towed loomed large, and it seemed like the CLAMBAKE(!) just might be finished.

Someone earlier in the day (I think it was my sister Michelle) had suggested buying a small hibachi-style barbecue thingy for us to use. Even though the only "legal" place to have a fire on the beach was inside the stone fire pits, we decided that we'd take our chances and buy one at the nearest supermarket. Everyone assured me that they'd wait until I returned.

Naturally, the market didn't have anything like a small hibachi-style barbecue thingy at all. After almost giving up, I spotted some aluminum baking pans, and I chose one that would have been suitable for baking a turkey, and I also bought a small bag of light-in-bag charcoal. Not so fast, "Prince of Peace!"

I arrived back at camp and I was promptly mocked for my aluminum baking pan, but after we lit the coal and the revelers began warming themselves and toasting/roasting things, all was merry and bright. (See picture of flaming pan below.) This is the part of the CLAMBAKE(!) that's reminiscent of the Charlie Brown Xmas special.
Then The Gold State played and during our set, CMG's Carlos came back. It was all a mistake! The police apologized and gave him his car back (that part's actually not true, but he did come back). Then CMG played and everyone hugged.

Things we learned:

1. No CLAMBAKE(!)s on holidays weekends
2. I forgot the other thing.

The next one will be in a couple of months, and we hope that it'll be more of a "Grinch Stole Xmas" meets "Caddyshack" kind of thing.

CLAMBAKE!

Saturday (September 2nd), we're having a "beach party" thing where we and a few friends' bands will play. It'll be fun. You better go. Here are some details:

CLAMBAKE!

Have you gotten the most out of summer? Neither have we! The CLAMBAKE is a guerilla-style, all-acoustic outdoor beach party/show to help us ring out the summer season. Where Imperial Highway dumps into the ocean, turn right and park on the street, OR be fancy and pay $7 to park in the lot. We'll be at the northernmost firepit that we can secure. Look for the CLAMBAKE flag, which should be visually pleasing and will have been made by some artistic type or other. Bring wood, food & drinks for burning and eating and drinking (respectively).

MAP

Lineup:
7:00 -The Gold State-
6:00 -CMG-
5:00 -The Black Heartthrobs-
& Possibly More TBA

-Goodbye cruel summer!

Station to Stanchion

From Google Maps, here's a picture of San Pedro's own Knoll Hill, taken from outer space or 30,000 feet or whatever. Who fucking cares.
From down here, the letters look slightly larger and higher. Don't patronize me.

Please feel free to send links to your own found landmarks.

Wake me when it's over.

The Bitch is Back in Black

One of my long-held assumptions has just been shattered, and my sense of well-being has been compromised. I will elaborate.

My dad taught me how to tie a necktie when I was pretty young, and non-necktie-tying friends have always come to me for help when they had weddings or job interviews. "Paul knows all the knots," they used to say (not really).

I'm reasonably proficient at two different knots, and I had always thought they were the Windsor Knot and the much simpler Half Windsor Knot. Yesterday, however, I discovered that what I THOUGHT was a Windsor Knot was actually a HALF Windsor Knot.

Yeah.

It also turns out that when I thought I was tying a Half Windsor Knot, I was actually tying a Four-in-hand Knot. Who's ever even heard of that?

Four-in-hand Knot.

This is precisely why you should never try anything ever.

Upcoming Shows

We have some upcoming shows, so I thought I'd announce two of them now. Please don't argue.

The one that's chronologically second, but more straightforward and easy-to-explain is our upcoming show at the UnUrban Cafe in Santa Monica on Saturday, September 16 at 11 PM. This place is really funky and "folksy" and California-y, and it's definitely where Chrissy from Three's Company would've played at the open mike nights if she was a singer/songwriter. This is probably the greatest compliment I could ever pay to a place.

The show that's chronologically first but slightly more difficult to explain is the CLAMBAKE on Saturday, September 2 at 2 PM. We're saying farewell to the summer season with a guerilla-style, all-acoustic beach party/show thing. Imagine a beach party where people are playing instruments, except instead of just playing classic rock sing-alongs, the people are entire bands playing their own songs (and classic rock sing-alongs). Goodbye cruel summer!

We haven't decided yet if we're going to have it at Dockweiler in Marina Del Rey or at Cabrillo Beach in San Pedro. Those are the two local beaches that have firepits. We'll let you know. We've already received confirmations from a couple of acts, and we're waiting for at least a couple more. Yes, I am a bit premature announcing this, I admit.

A "clam" is also a jazz slang term for a wrong musical note. Isn't that funny?

09/02/2006 2:00 PM - CLAMBAKE!
Venue will be determined, either Dockweiler Beach or Cabrillo Beach, CA.
FREE
Lineup:
The Gold State
CMG
The Black Heartthrobs
& More to be announced

09/16/2006 11:00 PM - UnUrban Cafe
3301 Pico Blvd, Santa Monica, CA
FREE

Me, Myself & the Ottoman Turks

I was just thinking how mentally convenient it is for those of us in the U.S. (United States) that we can refer to our country as the US, because it's spelled the same as the word "us." This helps prevent us from having to mentally switch gears (figuratively) when we're referring to our country as opposed to other countries. For example, the phrase, "Britain and the US" is extra-easy for our brains to process because we (us) are the US. Imagine if we lived in the T.H.E.M., for example. We'd have to say that we are "the THEM." In the Olympics and in soccer, we'd root for the THEM. God bless the THEM, and we'd have clothing and other crap emblazoned with the letters T H E M.

We'd say things like, "Look, pal, that might be the way you do things over your country, but here in the THEM, we do it like this."

That would suck.