Some of the #1 Causes

Funny and spontaneous comedic riffings for you to quote with your friends at parties:

What on earth? "Death Chocolate?" No thanks!

"Bitch Pack!" What? And what is "Ass Garlic?" Is that even a thing? Sheesh.

Boy. Now I've heard everything! "Rectum?" Who'd want that?

Big Lily of the Big Valley (Girl)

And just 'cause I mentioned people having "crushes," it doesn't mean that I have a "crush" on anyone. It was like a joke or something. You know, like a "knock, knock" joke?

When someone tells a "knock, knock" joke, they're not actually knocking on a door. Ok? Get it?

Fifty points for anyone who can tell me what kind of fallacy I just committed. You know, red herring, straw man, slippery slope, etc.

(The three preceding paragraphs were designed to be read aloud in a Shining/Cuckoo's Nest-era Jack Nicholson impression. Live a little.)

Cat and Mouse and Dog

At what age are you too old to have "a crush?" Like, when you're 90, do you have "crushes" on people?

It's not "cool" to have "crushes." The Fonz never had "a crush" on someone.

I know, you're thinking he had "a crush" on Pinky, but he didn't. The Fonz had "a thing" for Pinky.

And that's a completely different thing.

Two-fer For Sunday

That's right, check it out: Two episodes of Underwear Lane for the low, low price of one.

We're trying to favor quantity over quality for a bit, to see how it goes.

Benchwarmer's Delight

When I was riding the shuttle at school today, an elderly black woman got on at one of the stops. She was well-dressed, with a cool early-60s hat, (but not the pillbox kind you're immediately imagining, but the other kind, more like a ladies' little lo-profile fedora) and two big bags of luggage. It's kind of unusual, because usually it's only college kids on the shuttle.

So I helped her with a bags a little bit, and I mean a very little bit, like to the extent that I was almost ashamed that I didn't help her more, but I had hesitated because most people don't like strangers all up in their crap.

So I help her and she starts talking to me about how it's so nice to see chivalry because she's from Tennessee ("There, a man is a MAN."), so I said something about how some women don't like it when men do chivalrous stuff because they find it demeaning and patronizing, so she starts talking about how men are not only physically stronger than women, but that men are also intellectually superior to women, and less prone to things like vanity.

Right? So of course I had to totally talk to her for the entire shuttle trip, during which time nobody else on the (jam packed) shuttle made a peep. That's the only reason this is worth mentioning at all, because there was so much pressure on me to entertain not only this woman, but all 50 people on the shuttle for the whole ride.

I did not ask to be put in this position. I shoulda been like all, "Lady, look: This requires more effort than I'm willing to expend right now, ok, so would you mind just selecting somebody else for this?"

Beach Blanket Alley

I was thinking about how we think of Donald Duck as sort of a "loser." Here are some possible reasons:
1. Really insecure
2. Has a Speech Impediment
3. Greedy
4. Has a bad temper

Don't you think that's kind of cruel for Disney to have created a character with so many problems? Isn't that really fucked up?

In a way Donald Duck's not really a loser though, because he rose to the top of the Disney pantheon from among many characters, most of whom are all but forgotten.

But still, that doesn't make it right.