Outboard Motor

This is kind of good.

Guess what just happened. You'll never guess. I'd better tell you.

Backstory: Ok, so I've got this next-door neighbor who wants exclusive rights to the parking space in front of his house. He accosted me a few weeks ago as I was getting out of my car and started going on and on about how the city will tow my car if it's in the same spot for 72 hours, and how I was in one particular space for two weeks (which, I later figured out, was the space that he felt he was entitled to). I basically told him that since I live right here, it makes sense that my car would be parked here and that I'll park anywhere I feel like parking. See here for more details of that episode.

What I forgot to mention in my earlier account was that the guy has been terrorizing the neighborhood for years.

When I first moved in a few months ago, Carl across the alley told me to watch out for that guy, and to make sure that I never leave my car in one place for too long, because he'll call Parking Enforcement.

A few weeks later, I was standing on my balcony at 3 AM when I heard someone yell-whispering, "Hey! Hey neighbor!" I looked down and it was Steve from across the street, calling up to me. "I just wanted to warn you that the guy next door to you is an asshole! If anyone's ever parked in front of his house and the car hangs over into his driveway, even an inch, he'll call Parking Enforcement and they'll get a ticket. He's done it to me before! That guy's an asshole!" then he told me the same thing that Carl across the alley told me, that he'll call Parking Enforcement if he thinks any car hasn't moved in a few days.

I don't know how I could have forgotten to mention all this in my original account, but there it is.

I should also add that I've seen chalk marks on my tires, indicating that Parking Enforcement is observing my car to see whether it 's moved in 72 hours, and that the city will only come out and do that if someone calls them to report the car. This means he's been trying to have my car towed, knowing fully well that it's my car and that I drive it and I live right next door.

OK, so today I parked my car in front of his house. Not in his very own personal space, but just behind it, leaving plenty of room in front for a normal car, but not quite enough for his giant truck thing with the Angels "A" and the Jesus fish.

When I was walking the dog later, I noticed that his truck thing was, interestingly, parked in his spot. His rear bumper was (no lie) about an inch away from my front bumper, and the front of his truck thing was hanging over his driveway a couple of feet. If someone parked close behind me, there'd be no way I could've gotten out of that spot.

I think everyone knows that it's illegal to block a driveway with your vehicle. I guess he kind of thinks the law applies to everyone else except him, kind of, or something.

Then I started thinking, "Hmm, Parking Enforcement...hmm. I can't see any reason why I shouldn't be a good citizen by reporting this infraction to the proper authorities!"

So I looked up the number and I called, figuring if it took more than a minute, I'd just forget about it, but it only took a few seconds before I was talking to someone.

I said, "Yes, there's a car blocking the driveway out front. It's nearly impossible for anyone to get in or out."

The Parking Enforcement guy said, "Ok, do you want us to cite it or tow it?"

?!?

I asked, "Isn't that up to you guys?" "No sir," he responded, "It's up to you. Of course, the car needs to be blocking the entire driveway for us to tow it."

"That won't be necessary," I said. "A citation should be sufficient." He told me, "All right, I'll send someone out there."

Good ol' City Hall!

You see, I've never attempted to exact revenge on someone before. Oh, sure, I've defended people's honor(s), and told people off, and played a practical joke here and there, but nothing like this.

I was convinced that nothing would happen.

A few minutes later, I was in the kitchen, and I saw, through the window, the telltale yellow lights of Parking Enforcement illuminating the surrounding buildings. Imagine my glee. I crept out onto the balcony, and peered over the railing. The Parking Enforcement guy was walking around the giant truck thing, shining his flashlight on the license plates, and writing something on a little tablet. I swear to jesus, my heart was beating so fast. I was positive that it was going to backfire on me right then and there. I imagined the Parking Enforcement guy spotting me and pointing, "Hey you!"

Then, as swiftly as he had arrived, the Parking Enforcement man disappeared, in a whirl of glittery glitter, leaving a gleaming white parking ticket on the windshield of my neighbor's giant truck thing.

Viva la Revolución!

Att-i-CA! Att-i-CA!

I have the strangest sensation, something I've never felt before. What is it? I can't describe it. What can it be?

Ah, yes!

It's JUSTICE.

Project #1: Birthday Card

Now's the time of year when charities send you Christmas cards in the mail, asking for donations. Whether or not you decide to give, we're going to show you how to use these cards to make your very own delightful greeting cards, suitable for any occasion. We're going to make a birthday card as our example.

Step 1: Choose a card.
We decided to choose a card with the image below. Nice...but it hardly screams "birthday." Step 2: Add "birthday" elements.
Since we were going for a birthday theme, we decided to use paint to add a cake, candles, and party hats, but you can just as easily add shamrocks or Lincoln beards.


Step 3: Eliminate any Christmas-specific words.
I changed the word "season" to "birthday," and I signed it "Paul," but you can use any name.

Step 4: Voilà.
Give the card to someone. I gave this one to my mother, but you can give yours to anyone.

Thanks for joining us. Next week, we'll show you how to make altruism using nothing but a book of matches and the planet Jupiter. Bye for now!