Outboard Motor

This is kind of good.

Guess what just happened. You'll never guess. I'd better tell you.

Backstory: Ok, so I've got this next-door neighbor who wants exclusive rights to the parking space in front of his house. He accosted me a few weeks ago as I was getting out of my car and started going on and on about how the city will tow my car if it's in the same spot for 72 hours, and how I was in one particular space for two weeks (which, I later figured out, was the space that he felt he was entitled to). I basically told him that since I live right here, it makes sense that my car would be parked here and that I'll park anywhere I feel like parking. See here for more details of that episode.

What I forgot to mention in my earlier account was that the guy has been terrorizing the neighborhood for years.

When I first moved in a few months ago, Carl across the alley told me to watch out for that guy, and to make sure that I never leave my car in one place for too long, because he'll call Parking Enforcement.

A few weeks later, I was standing on my balcony at 3 AM when I heard someone yell-whispering, "Hey! Hey neighbor!" I looked down and it was Steve from across the street, calling up to me. "I just wanted to warn you that the guy next door to you is an asshole! If anyone's ever parked in front of his house and the car hangs over into his driveway, even an inch, he'll call Parking Enforcement and they'll get a ticket. He's done it to me before! That guy's an asshole!" then he told me the same thing that Carl across the alley told me, that he'll call Parking Enforcement if he thinks any car hasn't moved in a few days.

I don't know how I could have forgotten to mention all this in my original account, but there it is.

I should also add that I've seen chalk marks on my tires, indicating that Parking Enforcement is observing my car to see whether it 's moved in 72 hours, and that the city will only come out and do that if someone calls them to report the car. This means he's been trying to have my car towed, knowing fully well that it's my car and that I drive it and I live right next door.

OK, so today I parked my car in front of his house. Not in his very own personal space, but just behind it, leaving plenty of room in front for a normal car, but not quite enough for his giant truck thing with the Angels "A" and the Jesus fish.

When I was walking the dog later, I noticed that his truck thing was, interestingly, parked in his spot. His rear bumper was (no lie) about an inch away from my front bumper, and the front of his truck thing was hanging over his driveway a couple of feet. If someone parked close behind me, there'd be no way I could've gotten out of that spot.

I think everyone knows that it's illegal to block a driveway with your vehicle. I guess he kind of thinks the law applies to everyone else except him, kind of, or something.

Then I started thinking, "Hmm, Parking Enforcement...hmm. I can't see any reason why I shouldn't be a good citizen by reporting this infraction to the proper authorities!"

So I looked up the number and I called, figuring if it took more than a minute, I'd just forget about it, but it only took a few seconds before I was talking to someone.

I said, "Yes, there's a car blocking the driveway out front. It's nearly impossible for anyone to get in or out."

The Parking Enforcement guy said, "Ok, do you want us to cite it or tow it?"

?!?

I asked, "Isn't that up to you guys?" "No sir," he responded, "It's up to you. Of course, the car needs to be blocking the entire driveway for us to tow it."

"That won't be necessary," I said. "A citation should be sufficient." He told me, "All right, I'll send someone out there."

Good ol' City Hall!

You see, I've never attempted to exact revenge on someone before. Oh, sure, I've defended people's honor(s), and told people off, and played a practical joke here and there, but nothing like this.

I was convinced that nothing would happen.

A few minutes later, I was in the kitchen, and I saw, through the window, the telltale yellow lights of Parking Enforcement illuminating the surrounding buildings. Imagine my glee. I crept out onto the balcony, and peered over the railing. The Parking Enforcement guy was walking around the giant truck thing, shining his flashlight on the license plates, and writing something on a little tablet. I swear to jesus, my heart was beating so fast. I was positive that it was going to backfire on me right then and there. I imagined the Parking Enforcement guy spotting me and pointing, "Hey you!"

Then, as swiftly as he had arrived, the Parking Enforcement man disappeared, in a whirl of glittery glitter, leaving a gleaming white parking ticket on the windshield of my neighbor's giant truck thing.

Viva la Revolución!

Att-i-CA! Att-i-CA!

I have the strangest sensation, something I've never felt before. What is it? I can't describe it. What can it be?

Ah, yes!

It's JUSTICE.

Project #1: Birthday Card

Now's the time of year when charities send you Christmas cards in the mail, asking for donations. Whether or not you decide to give, we're going to show you how to use these cards to make your very own delightful greeting cards, suitable for any occasion. We're going to make a birthday card as our example.

Step 1: Choose a card.
We decided to choose a card with the image below. Nice...but it hardly screams "birthday." Step 2: Add "birthday" elements.
Since we were going for a birthday theme, we decided to use paint to add a cake, candles, and party hats, but you can just as easily add shamrocks or Lincoln beards.


Step 3: Eliminate any Christmas-specific words.
I changed the word "season" to "birthday," and I signed it "Paul," but you can use any name.

Step 4: Voilà.
Give the card to someone. I gave this one to my mother, but you can give yours to anyone.

Thanks for joining us. Next week, we'll show you how to make altruism using nothing but a book of matches and the planet Jupiter. Bye for now!

Naval

So the other day, I parked my car on the street in front of the building in which I reside, and as I'm unloading stuff, my next-door neighbor lumbers toward me. We haven't actually been formally introduced; but I recognized him, and I was all smiles and, "Hi," expecting him to say something like, "Say, you didn't happen to notice any..." or, "By any chance do you have a..." or better still, "Would you like a box full of..."

But no.

He says, "You know, you can only park here for 72 hours."

I responded, "What?"

"You can only park on the street for 72 hours. They'll chalk your tire and tow you away."

"Um, I live here," I said, kind of annoyed, gesturing toward the nearest building. "That's why I park here."

After a pause he said, "Well, you can only park on the street for 72 hours."

"OK, great, thanks," I retorted in the most dismissive possible way as I turned my back on him and reached into the car for another box. When I surfaced, he was still standing there.

He continued, "There was that time when you were parked in that spot for two weeks." He gestured toward a spot in which sat his giant stretch truck/SUV/whatever-the-crap with the Jesus fish stuck right next to the Anaheim Angels' haloed "A." It was pretty obvious to me that he wanted exclusive rights to park in this prized spot, which was right in front of his house, and right next to his driveway.

I gave my best are-you-really-wasting-my-time-with-this-crap look, and said, "Two weeks? I don't really know what you're talking about, but since I live right here it only makes sense that I'd park here." I have this problem where, when someone's being an ass, I'm almost invariably way too nice about it, and I was trying not to fall into the too-nice trap, but I may have done it anyway because deep down, I'm a pushover. -And a bit of a fraidy-cat.

Then he says, "OK, you know, I was just wondering whose car it was," and I just continued unloading my car and didn't say anything and finally he left.

You know, I just don't like being strong-armed by anyone, especially a lumbering dumbass with a Jesus fish and a haloed "A" on his giant vehicle.

So I decided that he'll never park in his prized spot again. Here's what I'm doing: I get home before him in the evenings. I'm parking in his prized spot for three days, THEN I'm moving the car one spot back for the next three days , BUT I'm only leaving enough room in front for a normal-sized car, NOT his giant truck thing. If he tried to park there, he'd block his own driveway. And get towed.

So three days in the one spot, three days in the other. Rinse and repeat. It's been going on for two weeks now. I usually drive my other car anyway.

Eff with ME, mother effer?

I don't give an eff.

Nickels and Apricots

In keeping with the concept of time, which allegedly marches on, I've updated the official The Gold State website, and more changes are soon to come.

OK, let's not get too excited, people.

Tank Top Memories

Is Jesus appearing to the truck on the beach, or is this a depiction of the fact that the truck is in Jesus' crew? Maybe the truck is daydreaming about being on the beach with the bloody corpse of Christ.

We may never know the true meaning of this work, and I have a feeling that it's probably for the best.

Corkscrew

Here's another picture I took with 35mm film in my 120 Holga. Feel free to view more examples here.

You can thank me later.

Lift, Lorry

I went to Averill Park and took some pics with 35mm film in my Holga camera. Here is a length of it (the film). (See if you can spot the waterfall.)

Life is worth living again.

Jesus Ritter

This nearly completes my collection. If anyone has the Suzanne Somers Mary Magdalene or the Don Knotts John The Baptist, please contact me.

New Underwear Lane Comic

Hey, here's a brand new Underwear Lane comic that I hereby urge you to enjoy.

Hey, don't look at me; I don't write this crap (Well, actually, I do, but only in the most literal possible sense).

Maverick Espresso

How often do you see John Gary records in thrift stores?

A lot, actually. But how often do you see two copies of "The One and Only John Gary" side by side?

Probably a lot, actually, now that I think about it.

We Made It Back in One Piece, But That's Bad, Because We Left in Two Pieces

I sit here in utter amazement.

I just used Super Glue to fix something, and the two surfaces I was trying to bond actually bonded and the thing is totally fixed.

This is a first. I think the secret to making it work is who the crap knows.

San Pedro Science Center - Closing?

These and lots of other animals live at the San Pedro Science Center, which is in very real danger of losing funding and being closed down, as I just found out. We used to have field trips there when I was a kid, and I watched chicks hatching in an incubator, among other amazing things. I can unreservedly say the Science Center helped nurture my love for animals.

Here's some contact info for local government folks that you can write to if you'd like to try to help save the Science Center. It could close in July, which is next month!

Councilwoman Janice Hahn:
councilmember.hahn@lacity.org

LAUSD board member Mike Lansing:
mike.lansing@lausd.net

Chief Instructional Officer Bob Collins:
Not sure, but probably bob.collins@lausd.net or robert.collins@lausd.net

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa:
Mayor@lacity.org

Click on the pic to see more of my photos of the Science Center on flickr.

New Underwear Lane Comic

There's a brand new Underwear Lane comic posted, and it's a real winner. This one doesn't contain any cursing, though.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Give the Gift that Keeps

Thanks, Brite Spot Mexican Restaurant on 7th and Pacific in San Pedro, California!

Sittin' On the Ritz

I was waiting in line for coffee at the coffee place this morning, and way ahead of me at the counter was a girl wearing a really great skirt.

I thought, "That is such a great skirt."

Then I started thinking that I wanted to tell her what a great skirt that was, and I began to debate the potential creepiness of a comment to a strange girl about the greatness of her skirt. Eventually, it was my turn to order coffee and I forgot about the skirt.

As I was creaming and sugaring my coffee, the girl with the great skirt appeared next to me, creaming and sugaring her coffee. Without even thinking, I said, "That is such a great skirt, I wish I could pull it off."

Of course, what I meant to do in that split second that the words were coming out of my mouth was to nullify the potential creepiness/aggressiveness of my comment with a joke about how I wanted to wear the skirt, thereby feminizing and dorkifying myself so as to seem less threatening.

That's what I meant to do, but it sounded like a cheap pickup line about how I wanted to take her clothes off.

Amazingly, she started laughing right away, even before I said, "Oh, wow, I did NOT mean it like that, I can't believe what I just said," and she started joking about how the skirt comes in many different sizes, and she was sure I could kind one to fit me, however, now that she thinks about it, she did buy the skirt in Sri Lanka, and so the price of a plane ticket might make the skirt prohibitively expensive.

Then we bantered for a while longer in an amazingly effortless and enjoyable exchange.

And I'll never ever see her again.

THE END

Ye Olde La Grande Jatte

I found another new old Polaroid camera called a ProPack at the magic thrift store the other day. It takes pack film, which is the kind you have to manually pull out of the camera, time, and peel.

I still can't quite get the hang of the exposure and focus settings, and although this picture isn't technically "good," I like it anyway, so I'm sharing.

And caring.

Drugstore Cattle Rustler

This is my new Optigan, the OPTIcal orGAN. On it, one can play raucous, house-bringing-down numbers, as well as tender ballads. Here, you can see a tender ballad being played.

Your Own Private Benjamin

This is my new Optigan, the OPTIcal orGAN. On it, one can play raucous, house-bringing-down numbers, as well as tender ballads. Here, you can see a raucous, house-bringing-down number being played.

The Gold State @ Long Beach State

This was taken at the 2007 Kaleidoscope Festival at Long Beach State University, where we were having quite the time, despite how it looks. My mom took these pics.

Let's Put On A Show!

The Gold State is playing this weekend at 2:00 on Saturday, April 28, 2007 at the Kaleidoscope Festival at Cal State Long Beach. It's an outdoor festival thing that the university puts on every year which apparently attracts 30,000 visitors. Exactly 30,000. One year, they realized they had undercounted and they had to kick someone out. Oddly enough, except for that one screw-up, there have never been any more or less than 30,000 visitors.

Not that there haven't been deliberate attempts to thwart the official count by pranksters using false moustaches and bad espadrilles.

(I probably should have said, "And/or bad espadrilles.")

The stage will be just west of the Vivian Engineering Building on the easternmost side of the campus. Our best friend band, The Black Heartthrobs, will also be playing just after us, at 3:00.

Parking is free, and admission is free. There'll be lots of food and all kinds of things to do, maybe even things you'll enjoy.

The Gold State - 2:00
The Black Heartthrobs - 3:00
2007 Kaleidoscope Festival
California State University, Long Beach
1250 Bellflower Boulevard
Long Beach, CA 90840
Free parking & free admission
(Click for Directions)

Dog & Camera Show

I really hate to anthropomorphize Stu by implying that there was any kind of human-ish motivation behind his decision to pose next to the Polaroid SX-70 Model 2, so I won't.

Thrift Store: Stuffed Eiffel Tower

...for when you've outgrown your stuffed Hoover Dam.

LONG LIVE SOCIALIST DEMOCRACY!

Today I bought a new/old Polaroid Spectra camera. It was the top-o'-th'-line back in the 80s.

My li'l sis took this one of me in mom's bathroom. I really like how the Spectra automatically does "vignetting," or darkening at the edges of the picture.

I didn't alter this photo in Photoshop or anything. Swear to "god."

New Underwear Lane Comic

There's a new one, all right.

Raisinette in the Sun

Jesus must be rolling over in his grave.

Caption, anyone?

I Now Have A Camera Phone

Tonight, I turned down two offers to go to really fun-sounding parties so I could help my ex-girlfriend move furniture and assemble a really heavy bookcase.

That's how I roll.

I know it kind of ruins the story, but afterwards she bought me dinner at my favorite Cuban restaurant, Versailles (see above camera photo).

One of Cardinal Richelieu's Most Unscrupulous Agents

I was at a party last night and some of the guests were in another room, playing with a Ouija board that someone had made a using a piece of cardboard and a shotglass. I don't believe in ghosts at all, and I've never played with a Ouija board before.

At one point in the evening, a few of us went into the bedroom to play with the board. At first, a girl and I both had our fingers on the glass and nothing happened. I think it was because whenever I felt the glass start to move a little, I knew it wasn't me, so I'd say, "You're moving it," and she'd deny it, but it would stop moving. She's a good friend, so I guess I felt comfortable openly accusing her of cheating.

A bit later, though, I tried it with a guy I 'd never met before, and a girl that I don't really know that well, and when the glass started moving, it wasn't obvious who was doing it. I know it wasn't me, though.

The girl was obviously well acquainted with spirit world etiquette, and she was asking "it" questions, but the glass just spelled out gibberish. She very sympathetically asked, "Are you confused?" At that point, "it" started spelling out, "F-U, F-U, F-U," repeatedly. Then she asked, "Do you want us to leave you alone," and the glass shot over to the "Goodbye" word.

I totally think all that stuff's bullshit, but I fully got the proverbial willies! The girl played it off so well, as if she really thought she was talking to a "ghost." I realized then that part of the reason the Ouija board "works" is because the participants unconciously cooperate, so as not to spoil the fun for everyone else.

That's my theory anyway. Pretty smart, huh?

Immediately afterward, in the next room, I was talking to a guy who had watched the "seance" thing, and he was telling me about how he's convinced his house is haunted. I very respectfully made it really clear that I don't believe in "ghosts" or whatever and I asked him to describe what kinds of stuff happened at his house. He cited instances of finding a door unlocked when he knew he had locked it.

I said, "A skeptic would say that you just forgot to lock the door."

He said, "But I always lock that door. I lock it every single day."

As an example, I said, "Well, sometimes, you'll be walking around and you'll notice that your zipper is down, right? But you'd swear you didn't leave it down. We go to the bathroom several times a day, and it seems like it'd be automatic for us to zip up every time, but sometimes we just forget."

With that, I looked down and my fly was open.

Swear to "god."

Friend Roman Countryman

In response to numerous complaints, I fixed the Lincoln block portrait. There were a couple of orange Post-its where light blue ones should have been, and vice-versa.

Happy?

Miscreants & Fussbudgets

Hey, bastards! There's a brand-new Underwear Lane comic. Don't ask me how I did it, but this one doesn't contain even one f-word.

I promise, it'll never happen again.

Go To Chapel, Get Married

Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out

I see some of you glaring jealously at me at school and in the mall.

Just because I have more luxurious facial hair than you, and just because I've chosen to nurture it in a manner that you hadn't thought of, and just because you're suddenly filled with a burning desire to copy my beard's exact look but you know it would take you months to get your facial hair to this point IF you even had the stamina to go unshaven for months and IF you didn't fuck it up miserably in the process and by then you'd probably see someone else whose look you'd decide to rip off anyway you shouldn't hate me.

Go hate somebody else for a change. Go glare at somebody with mutton chops or a handlebar moustache.

Or a Fu Manchu.

Shitty Haircuts Are Still "In," Right?

OK, here we go.

I haven't been writing here very much lately, as you may have noticed, and I kind of don't want to get too personal on this little "blog" thing, but I thought I'd toss out a few tidbits of "news," for the benefit of anyone who cares.

I had the crappiest holiday season ever. I'll go chronologically.

I quit my "day job," which was actually one of the best decisions I've ever made, but it was just kind of stressful to cut myself off from my income source around the holidays like that. The work was boring, boring, boring, but most of my other coworkers loved it, and worked through lunch every day, stayed until 8:00 every night, came in on the weekends, and worked from home every evening, all for free. I started hating all the self importance, and the passive/aggressive guilt trips. I got fed up and quit just before Xmas. I'm never working for a place like that again. I'm currently going to school full-time, which is good because I'll actually finish soon.

My grandmother died, and that sucked, as you can probably imagine. She went into the hospital on Xmas and I visited her almost every day. She died last month. It was really depressing.

What else? Oh yeah. My girlfriend and I broke up. It's really as amicable as this type of thing could possibly be, but I've been pretty much devastated. We were together a long time, and we really care about each other a lot. We're trying our best to be friends, and so far so good. Nothing "happened," neither of us did anything "bad" to the other, neither of us "hooked-up" with the other's friends.

It still really sucks, though.

All right. Thanks for "listening." Happy Saint Patrick's Day, b'gosh and begorrah!

Bonds: Rate-Cut Expectations Fall by Wayside

This is us, back in November at the Unurban in Santa Monica, courtesy of the ever-patient Laura. She actually recorded an entire song, in a really good manner, but it was too big to upload to Youtube, and I was too lazy to fix it, so here you go.

Enjoy!

Our Next Show

Are you guys doing anything this Friday evening, the 2nd of March (TO-NITE)?

Good, because The Gold State is playing our first show of the year at Sacred Grounds, here in San Pedro.

Oh yeah, did I mention it's free? No, I know I didn't mention it yet, but it is free. How much would you expect to pay for something like this? Doesn't matter, because it's free regardless.

So maybe we'll see you there, right?

Oh, wait a second. Did I mention that we're playing with my favorite band, The Black Heartthrobs? No, I don't think I mentioned that, but it's true. You're probably thinking that you'll have to pay something in order to watch them, right? It's totally understandable that you'd think that, but you can watch both The Gold State and The Black Heartthrobs for free.

How can we do this?

Robot wizards. That's how.

Friday, 02 Mar 2007
The Black Heartthrobs - 8:00
The Gold State - 9:00
Sacred Grounds
468 W. 6th St., San Pedro, California 90731
Cost : Free
All Ages

Happy Weird Valentine's Day

Make your own here.

New Underwear Lane Comic

There's a brand-new Underwear Lane posted, so hang on to them hats and glasses, folks, 'cause this here's the wildest webcomic in the wilderness!

Tonight's Fortunes

Scent-of-a-Woman-Al Pacino

I've got a beard, a beard with an almost-capital "b." I am, quite possibly, the beardiest I've ever been in my life, and that's saying a lot.

I rode out the itchy stage where I constantly fought the urge to run into the bathroom to buzz it off. That was torture.

You set little benchmarks for yourself when you're struggling with whether to shave a beard or not. For example: "I can't shave it now, I've gone past the Brian Wilson stage, and now it's Mike Love. I'll shave it when it's Carl. Definitely before Dennis."

This Current Year

Underwear Lane

There's a brand new, "funny," webcomic "out there" called Underwear Lane. Why don't you go check it out?

It's guaranteed to put a smile on your face and nowhere else.

Mortar Pedestal

Question: What's the most jaunty article of clothing or accessory?