Padre Pio's Revenge

Left to right: My Jack O' Lantern, Amanda's

We're roasting pumpkin seeds right now, which seems kind of ruthless, in a way.

Pines and Needles

Longtime "readers" will know that I don't consider this one of those "party blogs," and I don't feel like anyone would want to look at self-indulgent pictures of me and my friends clowning around and mugging for the camera, but this is different. This is music-related, so there's an excuse.

For Halloween, my friend Brian (who happens to be in The Gold State) put together a sort-of Devo tribute band that dressed as Devo and played all Devo songs. David and Leo of The Gold State were also in the band. Their versions of the songs were amazingly spot-on renditions, and I wish I got to hear more, but I was late to the party because I had mistakenly thought it was supposed to take place the following night. I probably shouldn't admit this. Thankfully, somebody called me and I got the message around 10:00.

Left to Right: Leo, Brian, Mr. P, David, Ricardo

Amanda and I were probably dressed as the most obvious things a couple could have possibly been for Halloween. You guessed it: Marie Antoinette and a pizza box chef, respectively.

Left to Right: Me, Amanda

Left to Right: Same as above, Amanda

CMG's Carlos DJed (dressed as Duff from Guns and Roses, as if you couldn't tell). He displayed the ultimate trust in me by letting me reluctantly take over the turntables for a half hour or so later in the evening. Needless to say, I played a completely unappetizing mixture of songs that repelled partygoers in droves. One thing I learned: One should never follow Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" with Hall & Oates' "Did it In a Minute."

Left to Right: Me, Carlos
Left to Right: You get the picture

Left to Right: Me, Brian

Left to Right: Me, Leo

I learned that my nose is really, really big, and I'm never going to grow a moustache, no matter what, partially because it accentuates the bigness of my nose in a bad way. I also learned to write down things such as dates of parties.

No more mugging party pics for quite some time. I promise.

Tin of Biscuits

Here's another primitive Instant Messenger drawing from my "Pants-Wetting Icons" series.

Please enjoy your H-ween weekend.

Ambergris

Do you know what ambergris is? I've heard of it before, and all I knew was that it was a vaguely nautical substance that's mentioned in sea-fairin' tales and the like. I found out recently that it's really expensive, so expensive, in fact, that if you find a chunk of it on a beach, you can use the proceeds to buy a house or two.

Ambergris has been used as an ingredient in perfume for ages due to its unique odor and properties. It comes only from sperm whales. Because the whales eat lots of giant squid, a substance forms in their digestive tracts that protects them from the squid's sharp beaks. After this substance collects inside a whale for some time, the whale will belch out a big ball of it into the water.

However, at this point, the ball of stuff is just smelly and disgusting and repellent. In order for it to achieve the texture, fragrance and chemical properties that make it more valuable, it has to float around in the ocean.

For TEN YEARS.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention that it's believed only one percent of sperm whales actually produce this substance.

So keep your eyes peeled.

Oh, one more thing, it's illegal to posses it in the US because of the Endangered Species Act of 1978.

Nighty night.

Packet of Crisps

"They" make us use Microsoft Instant Messenger to communicate with each other at my day job, and occasionally I use its primitive drawing tools to execute things like the above. Just thought I'd share.

Beaches

My "Best Gal" and I both ditched our day jobs Friday to go to Disneyland, and let me tell you.

Should I start with the stuff that sucked or the stuff that was good? I obviously can't hear you, so I'll pretend you said, "The stuff that sucked." Here's what sucked at Disneyland:

1. The Haunted Mansion - This should have been the highlight for me. What time of year is it? It's nearly Halloween, isn't it? And what better time to enjoy the Haunted Mansion? But no. For the season, they've decked the Haunted Mansion out in "Nightmare Before Christmas" stuff, inside and out. They changed almost every single thing!
   I craved the creepy organ music, and the rocking basslines that you used to be able to hear during the graveyard party scene, but it's all been replaced with crappy, new-agey Danny Elfman garbage.
   No more, "Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding," and, "Is this haunted room actually stretching," either. The narrator's whole spiel has been replaced with some "Nightmare Before Christmas" songsong-y, rhyme-y crap.
   As if this weren't bad enough everything has been covered with "snow" and "presents," and it's so poorly executed, it looks like it could have been done by the San Pedro Scrapbookin' Club.
   I could go on. My advice is don't go to Disneyland until they change it back. I'm done talking about it. I'm going to have nightmares.
   
2. Pirates of the Caribbean - I've heard rumors that this ride has been ruined by the addition of crap from the recent "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, which is only partially true, and for that, I'm grateful. I'll tell you what they've done.
   They've changed some audio to include awkward, out-of-place references to "Captian Jack Sparrow." For example, in the scene where the ship and the fortress are exchanging cannon-fire, the ship's captain used to say something like, "Avast ye, scurvy scum," but now he says something like, "Avast ye, scurvy scum, Captian Jack Sparrow!"
   There are also several new animatronic "Captian Jack Sparrows," that really look like Johnny Depp. The problem is that all the other pirates look somewhat cartoonish, so it's totally incongruent and lame and fucked up. Goddamn it, why? Do you people have no fucking shame whatsoever?
3. Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln - In case you've never seen this (and most people haven't and don't care) the Mr. Lincoln is good ol' Honest Abe the Great Emancipator, or rather, an animatronic version of Ol' Iron Logs himself. What happens is you enter a theater and watch a little Patriotic slide show that's accompanied by America-y, "Glory Glory, hallelujah," music, and then the curtain opens to reveal a robotic Old chicory who gives a Gettysburg address. I've forced countless faceless and nameless girlfriends to watch it over the years, girls whose faces and names escape me.
   Apparently, the Lincoln attraction was always considered "boring" by most people, and the Disney brass always wanted to get rid of it, but they kept it around because it was a pet project of Uncle Walt's.
   Much to my pissed-offness, it's gone now, but only temporarily, I was assured. The theater is now showing some "50-Years of Disneyland" thing, but the lady who worked there told me they'd bring back Lincoln as soon as that show was over, but conveniently, she didn't know when that would be.
4. Toontown - I wish it would go away. It's not good.
   

All the other stuff I loved that is now destroyed, has been gone for years, so I won't even mention any of it. On with the good stuff:

1. Pirates of the Caribbean - The 90% that hasn't been ruined is awesome!
2. The Indiana Jones Ride - It's so good, I can't believe it was made in the 90s.
3. Small World - It's worth it purely for the retro design elements.
4. Space Mountain - It's totally better than it was, I can't explain it.
5. Enchanted Tiki Room - Oh my god. How does this even exist anymore? How did the minds that decided to destroy midcentury classics like Mission to Mars and Adventure Through Innerspace allow this to remain?
   
6. Teacups - Teacups!!!!
7. All the Fantasyland Rides - Hooray!
8. The Primordial World - As seen from the Disneyland Railroad train. Somehow, this slipped through the cracks and was allowed to remain in existence.
9. Everything else that slipped through the cracks and was allowed to remain in existence - Tom Sawyer's Island, The Storybook boat thing, etc.
10. FastPass - My method is to go do the weird stuff that nobody likes (Mr. Lincoln, Tom Sawyer's Island, etc.) when the lines are long, and the FastPass thing totally enhances that.
    

Here's a free, unflattering picture of us on the new Buzz Lightyear ride which is kind of fun but who cares. You shoot stuff from the moving car thing and get points. They email you the unflattering photo for free, which is good publicity, because now, Reader Dearest, you're suddenly willing to shell out the 60-something bucks it costs to enter Disneyland, right?

Wait 'til the Haunted Mansion gets back to normal, though. I'm warning you.

Computer Software

I promise to be funny again very soon. In the meantime, please allow your whole family to enjoy these pictures of The Gold State last week at 14 Below in Santa Monica.

(Thanks for the pics, Amanda!)

Czechs & Balances

The Gold State, puzzled and vibrating at 14 Below (Photo: Thanks, Amanda!)

Stand By Your Mansion

Here's the dream I had last night:

The Gold State was playing a show in a 70s-era supermarket. I was up high near the ceiling at the back of the store on some kind of balcony thing with some employees who were listening to us.

I noticed that the other guys in the band weren't on the balcony with me, but I could hear them playing. It turned out that they were scattered separately all throughout the store in different aisles. I remember seeing the drums in the front corner of the store near the produce. None of the guys could see the others, but I could see all of them, as I was up on the balcony thing. I remembered thinking that it was a bizarre and probably bad idea for a show.

That's all I remember.

This dream could have something to do with the fact that we have a real, live, 21-&-over, FREE show tomorrow night (Tuesday) at 14 Below in Santa Monica with The Black Heartthrobs. Not that you should go or anything, but our band is really good and The Black Heartthrobs are really good.

Not that you should go or anything.