the gold state - remarks

2009-10-08T16:47:00.001-07:00

Here she is, the second installation documenting (possibly) the largest woodcut ever executed on the west coast of any country.

I didn't post part one here, because it's just not as great, and plus, I'm over part one; It's all about part two!

Thanks, Carlos, for running the camera (into the ground).

S-A-T-U-R...D-A-Y...Night!

2009-09-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

Make music, make friends at the Echo Curio this Saturday with my favorite bands, CMG & We Are The Night and The Black Heartthrobs. I'll also have some prints hanging on the wall, because they graciously invited me to participate.

Should be fun. (But then again, everything should be fun. -Hey, why don't we let the fun of this event make up for some of the other un-fun stuff we've been going through lately? OK, great, let's do that. It's a deal!)

Be On and Off

2009-09-24T00:25:00.000-07:00

Artist and my good pal Camilla Taylor invited me to make a page for a 2010 calendar featuring actual prints made by actual printmakers. I think it came out pretty well; I was trying to be ambitious. It's a woodcut with fake wood grain screenprinted over it along with two more screenprinted colors (that's 4 colors, folks!). The three different color variations are shown above, making this series a "Variable edition."

In most cases (probably), each print in a series is supposed to be identical, but if the artist decides to make them slightly different, let's say by the use of several different colors, he or she must then add the notation "E.V." in pencil on each print, which stands for "Edition Variable," which makes no sense really. When speaking, nobody says, "Edition variable;" we say, "Variable edition," as in, "This series is going to be a variable edition." What I'm saying is that I think we should write "V.E." instead of "E.V."

Go figure.

So What

2009-08-10T00:24:00.001-07:00

I don't even know why; the resemblance just struck me when I saw the Neil Diamond one. I guess this is probably a really common pose for album covers (at the mic, holding a guitar, duh), but you don't often see them with this super high contrast black and white treatment. -Or DO you? Let me know if anyone knows of other ones.

Yeah, I know. So what, huh?

DC Rider

2009-07-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

Hey, I went to Washington DC last week or something. Here are some pictures for you to like or be indifferent towards. If you're an ex-girlfriend, you can be reminded of why you broke up with me in the first place.

For realsies, though, I saw some amazing art and artifacts and stuff. All the museums are free, free, free. I had no idea. Now you know, and you're welcome.

A grey squirrel at the Jefferson Memorial.

It's too bad Jefferson is dead. He would probably think this memorial is pretty neat, but he'd probably be embarrassed by it too. I mean, you'd have to be the most egotistical creep to be completely down with the idea of a giant Greek temple with a 20-foot statue of you in it as a memorial to you.

Yes, it's the Washington Monument, and I'm sorry but this thing got me totally geeked out. It's massive and it looks different in person than in the pics you've seen. See how the bottom third is a different color than the rest? That's because it sat unfinished for 20-some-odd years back in the 1800s. Didn't know that, did you?

Here's a bit of the mosaic floor in the lobby of the WaMo. I wanted to lick it.

Here's way up at the tipperty-top of that ol' WaMo. That red light thingy is the beacon that blinks so planes don't accidentally hit it. If a plane hit it, I would cry because I'm strangely fixated on it now. Did you know that it was the tallest goddamn structure on the whole planet for a few years? No, you did not. The Eiffel Tower beat it in 1889, by almost double the hight. Ouch!

And check out these goddamn train stations. Whoo-whoo! These were the cleanest train stations I've ever been in anywhere in the world. No bodily discharges of any kind, which makes me think that everyone is constantly under surveillance and any funny business is swiftly quashed (or diapers are distributed).

Nobody seemed to mind me giving a quick speech at an ampitheater at Arlington Nat'l Cemetery, for some reason. I expected to be tackled at any moment.

This is at the Lincoln memorial, which is on our penny. Don't try to take a picture of yourself, mimicking Lincoln's facial expression and the direction of his gaze because it won't work. Trust me.

A shot of Abe's square-toed boot. I want a pair.

This here's the Capitol rotunda. That's the giant building you see behind the "reporters" on infomercials when they're reporting live from the nation's capitol.

Ah! Back in LA, where it was the exact same (warm) goddamn temperature as DC. I was excited to be in this tiled corridor. I haven't been routed through here in years, and I vividly remember it from my childhood. You know, it's the airport, so you can't just go traipsing through whatever tiled corridor you feel like traipsing through.

The end. (-Or IS it? Probably.)

New U-Lane Comic

2009-06-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

Ta-dah! There's a new Underwear Lane comic over there on Underwear Lane.

Unlike the last one (which had been sitting in a drawer for months before being discovered, scanned and uploaded), this one is fresh as a day lily.

Also, don't worry; this one contains the f-word. -Does it ever!

A New Underwear Lane Comic Is Up

2009-06-24T01:19:00.000-07:00

It's true.

New Song Just For You

2009-06-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

Maybe you know, maybe you don't: I do this music thing, and a new record is in the works. I thought I'd upload a new song from the new record so all the children of the world can laugh and play again. This one's called "the golden ache" check it out right this second.

David of Novi Split played drums and much of the guitar on this track(he played the intricate guitar parts; I played the easy stuff), and his input made it into something way better than it would have otherwise been. He's easily the most gifted musician I know, and no one who knows him would even bat an eye at that statement. He also keeps a fine blog here, on which he wrote some really nice things about me a few days ago. For the moment, I'm withholding too much glowing commentary about him, so as not to seem like I'm merely trying to reciprocate, but watch out.

Do watch out.

More Things That Will Never Happen

2009-06-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'd found some faux marble masonite panels a few weeks ago, and Danelectro guitars were made from finished masonite, so I had the idea that I should make a guitar. Of course, you and I both know there's no way in hell that's ever going to happen.

I was experimenting with body shape designs, and I basically just stole images of guitars I liked from the internet and substituted a picture of my faux marble panel for the guitar's actual finish. That's as far as this project is likely to get. Here are some really rough mock ups:

Gibson "Non-Reverse" Firebird

Gretsch Duo Jet

This was a Danelectro

This was a real Danelectro or a Coral

Whether or not it's a good idea for me to build a guitar is pretty much irrelevant; It'll never ever happen in a millon years anyway.

THE END

fudgicle bike

2009-05-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest print in progress. I'm sure I'm going to like it better at this stage than when it's finished.

Pisces

2009-04-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

So you know all this "Torture Memo" business? I keep hearing right-wing Bush/Cheney apologists saying things like, "Now, now, we can't go prosecuting the lawyers and other people who came up with these bad ideas because then people won't feel free to give advice in the future." This strikes me as really stupid.

My question is: Why is that a bad thing? Wouldn't it actually be a good thing if people gave advice that's thoughtful and useful instead of advice that's reckless and crappy? Why would anyone want to ensure that bad advice-givers continue to have influence? Wouldn't it have been a good thing if these crappy advice-givers had been aware that their terrible ideas could get them into trouble? Isn't deterrence one of the reasons we have laws in the first place?

THE END

What Else Does The Box Say?

2009-02-12T00:31:00.000-08:00

The box says, "Shut up, Steve," but of course you knew that. If you're like me, you've been weirdly fixated on this Multi-Grain Cheerios commercial (the one with the bullying woman and her hyper-accommodating husband). For weeks now, I've found myself responding to peoples' earnest questions by desperately pleading, "Nonononono! It's just the box!"

Imagine if you will my astonishment when I learned that Steve and the missus are actually British. I'll give you a second to let that sink in.

That's right, they're actually British, with British accents. The American-accented voices we've been hearing have been dubbed over a British commercial. They've even computer-CGIed a different box over the original euro one! I was only able to find this small sample of the original British commi, but it's more than enough to cause cognitive dissonance-related permanent brain or spinal cord injury.

Remember folks, you heard it here.

Captain Jack Sparrow in a Punchbowl

2009-01-22T13:01:00.000-08:00

I went to Disneyland yesterday, and I'm here to vent about how crappy the updates to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride are. Jesus, sweet merciful Jesus.

Apparently, based on the success of "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie(s), they decided to add the Captain Jack Sparrow character references and appearances to the ride. I've never seen the movie(s), and I don't usually care about movies based on rides (although I am anxiously awaiting the Teacups move starring DeNiro and Pacino as the handle and spout, respectively). I can't understand why they'd ever feel the need to change anything about the ride, because it was perfect in every way, but the way they did it was just really clumsy and lame.

I should admit that I'm a bit of a Disneyland reactionary; I'm always dismayed to find they've demolished an attraction that I really liked. I understand that they're trying to make more money and blah, blah, blah, but if they have to do something like this, I'd just expect them to do a better job because this is Disney for chrissake.

Basically, what happened is this: Some of the existing pirates' dialogue has been sprinkled with the words "Captian Jack Sparrow," and there are several animatronic Johnny Depps inserted throughout the ride. The reason it sucks is because the new stuff is so incongruous with what was already there. The Johnny Depps are wearing completely different costuming than all the other pirates; he's dressed like the movie character with his little braids and ribbons or whatever. Even worse, his features are realistic, which looks really dumb and somewhat creepy compared to the cartoony original pirates. It all has this really "shoved in there" feel.

Yeah, but I still had fun. The end. Maybe I'll say something nice later.

The Fonz Is Cool

2008-12-13T14:42:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, here the latest linoleum reduction cut print I did; it's The Fonz. (The Fonz is cool.)

The image size is 9x12 and The Fonz is cool.

Fits and Starts

2008-11-13T10:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a screenprint I finished yesterday, if anybody gives a hoot. I also did a version that serves as a flyer for CMG & We Are The Night (a band I used to be in, but I'm not in it anymore).

Let this hereby also serve as a plug for their show:
CMG & We Are The Night
November 30th, 2008
Alex's Bar
Long Beach, CA

Opie and Andy and The Fonz endorse Obama

2008-10-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

Dude. As I watched this, my eyes were watering and I experienced emotions that were probably best left unexperienced. You should really watch this; Andy Griffith is a true American saint.

"Well, Ope, people are funny...Sometimes change scares them, and they'd rather keep doing the same ol' thing that's been messing them up than change to the thing that can help them."

http://projects.newsobserver.com/under_the_dome/opie_and_andy_on_obama

Generations F through M

2008-10-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

I've got a few prints in this show that's opening at the Long Beach State on Sunday:

There's always free snacks and wine at these things. Let's hope this time is no exception. There'll be, like, four different adjacent galleries with other shows, too.

Incidentally, I make prints, yes.

Ink2 Printmaking Exhibition
Opening Reception - Sunday, October 26, 5 to 7 PM
Cal State University, Long Beach
Dutzi Gallery

Yes, Virginia: (To Be Continued...)

2008-10-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

Here are the main vague criteria that I use when I'm determining who to vote for:

The candidate has to have policies that more closely reflect my own beliefs than the other guy's policies.
I have to be ok with the idea of the candidate "representing (us to the rest of the world)."

There's lots of other details, but who cares. I'm mainly just trying to paint the picture that I'm voting for Obama, but not because he's black. I'm voting for him because of lots of stuff.

But I'm just saying, as an extra, extra added secret bonus: How can you resist helping elect the first black president ever, for christsake? You're cool with the idea of being 90 and having people ask you if you voted for the first black president ever, and you have to tell them that you voted for the cranky old white guy and the bimbo?

Dude.

The Boot & The Bonnet of It All

2008-10-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sort of happy for the moment because, well, to make a long story short: The phone company didn't want to "credit" me back money that they fully were supposed "credit" back to me (or whatever, is credit even a verb?), and they completely were not going to do it at all, even after three emails back and forth where I was like, "Dude," but finally (because I knew I was right and I knew they had nothing on me) I was like all, "Sigh. This is taking waaay too much time, I'm totally just contacting the Better Business Bureau if you don't resolve this by Monday," (this was Friday, and I was actually paraphrasing, not quoting myself directly) and I had no idea whether or not that carried any water whatsoever, honestly, and I thought my threat might even elicit some hearty chuckles around the phone company water cooler (trying to keep the metaphors aquatic), but lo and behond, here it is Monday, and THAT's right.

I got a very polite and apologetic email from them saying they were going to undo all the charges and so sorry and jesus christ and everything. Who'd have thought it?

So, I'm just saying: Better Business Bureau. Right? Apparently.

(Insert prostitute-themed one-liner here).

Sense and Sensibilitude

2008-10-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hear ye, hear ye: Here's a new Underwear Lane comic, which was made entirely from 100% love.

(click to make large)

Mother May I

2008-09-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have created another Underwear Lane comic just for you (and a half-dozen or so striking steel workers, of all people).

(click to make large)

Two-fer For Sunday and Monday

2008-08-24T20:27:00.000-07:00

I've never seen a UFO, but I really want to. I'm always able to swiftly identify the objects (Os), and it's a bit of a letdown each time.

And don't think I'm not open to the "power of suggestion," because I am. I'm also eager to jump to hasty conclusions if that's what it takes.

So please, Jesus: UFO.

Yeah Baby Austin Powers

2008-07-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

New Underwear Lane comic:

I dare ya not to laugh.

The Miserables!

2008-07-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

Here's some advice for the kids: All women are completely different.

I know this flies in the face of conventional man-wisdom, but I've honestly come to believe this. Women might as well all be members of different species.

However, guys are all the fucking, goddamn, jesus christ, son-of-a-b same.

pink moustache

2008-04-27T22:09:00.001-07:00

I made this pink moustache, and I took a lot of pictures during the process. Some of the early shots vanished mysteriously. Boo. (Ghost boo, not opposite-of-yay boo.)

Please visit my flickr page for lots of juicy pictures of this baby at every stage.

Beech & Peach

2008-04-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

I hate myspace and i've always hated it, even though I've had a myspace account for a long time. Way before you.

I started it as a joke. Back then nobody knew what it was, and a friend sent me a link to her myspace profile. I guess I made my own profile to sort of make fun of her a little bit, which seems sort of mean now.

And I'm guessing that the myspace people want their name to come across as if it's being cooed by a jet-age stewardess but it's always had stampy-foot-Shirley-Temple tantrum-y connotations for me. "Go away, you bad, bad man! This is MySpace! (italics mine)"

But now when I say I hate it, people look at me dumbfounded, like I said I hated air.

So I'm just going to hold my nose and force myself to go on there more often and integrate myself back into society.

Wish me luck!

BB Gun

2008-03-31T03:23:00.000-07:00

Here is a brand new Underwear Lane comic just for you.

Some of the #1 Causes

2008-02-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

Funny and spontaneous comedic riffings for you to quote with your friends at parties:

What on earth? "Death Chocolate?" No thanks!

"Bitch Pack!" What? And what is "Ass Garlic?" Is that even a thing? Sheesh.

Boy. Now I've heard everything! "Rectum?" Who'd want that?

Big Lily of the Big Valley (Girl)

2008-02-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

And just 'cause I mentioned people having "crushes," it doesn't mean that I have a "crush" on anyone. It was like a joke or something. You know, like a "knock, knock" joke?

When someone tells a "knock, knock" joke, they're not actually knocking on a door. Ok? Get it?

Fifty points for anyone who can tell me what kind of fallacy I just committed. You know, red herring, straw man, slippery slope, etc.

(The three preceding paragraphs were designed to be read aloud in a Shining/Cuckoo's Nest-era Jack Nicholson impression. Live a little.)

Cat and Mouse and Dog

2008-02-23T00:54:00.000-08:00

At what age are you too old to have "a crush?" Like, when you're 90, do you have "crushes" on people?

It's not "cool" to have "crushes." The Fonz never had "a crush" on someone.

I know, you're thinking he had "a crush" on Pinky, but he didn't. The Fonz had "a thing" for Pinky.

And that's a completely different thing.

Two-fer For Sunday

2008-02-11T15:28:00.000-08:00

That's right, check it out: Two episodes of Underwear Lane for the low, low price of one.

We're trying to favor quantity over quality for a bit, to see how it goes.

Benchwarmer's Delight

2008-02-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

When I was riding the shuttle at school today, an elderly black woman got on at one of the stops. She was well-dressed, with a cool early-60s hat, (but not the pillbox kind you're immediately imagining, but the other kind, more like a ladies' little lo-profile fedora) and two big bags of luggage. It's kind of unusual, because usually it's only college kids on the shuttle.

So I helped her with a bags a little bit, and I mean a very little bit, like to the extent that I was almost ashamed that I didn't help her more, but I had hesitated because most people don't like strangers all up in their crap.

So I help her and she starts talking to me about how it's so nice to see chivalry because she's from Tennessee ("There, a man is a MAN."), so I said something about how some women don't like it when men do chivalrous stuff because they find it demeaning and patronizing, so she starts talking about how men are not only physically stronger than women, but that men are also intellectually superior to women, and less prone to things like vanity.

Right? So of course I had to totally talk to her for the entire shuttle trip, during which time nobody else on the (jam packed) shuttle made a peep. That's the only reason this is worth mentioning at all, because there was so much pressure on me to entertain not only this woman, but all 50 people on the shuttle for the whole ride.

I did not ask to be put in this position. I shoulda been like all, "Lady, look: This requires more effort than I'm willing to expend right now, ok, so would you mind just selecting somebody else for this?"

Beach Blanket Alley

2008-02-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about how we think of Donald Duck as sort of a "loser." Here are some possible reasons:
1. Really insecure
2. Has a Speech Impediment
3. Greedy
4. Has a bad temper

Don't you think that's kind of cruel for Disney to have created a character with so many problems? Isn't that really fucked up?

In a way Donald Duck's not really a loser though, because he rose to the top of the Disney pantheon from among many characters, most of whom are all but forgotten.

But still, that doesn't make it right.

New New New

2008-01-30T02:13:00.000-08:00

Hey! Check out the all-new Underwear Lane comic. It's more fun than a barrel.

Ben Franklin Boogie

2008-01-09T13:45:00.001-08:00

I've come up with a new "words to live by" children's limerick along the lines of, "God made the dirt and dirt don't (sic) hurt."

Here's mine: "God made poo, and it can't hurt you."

(Honestly, I'm not sure if two lines constitutes a limerick, and I'm pretty sure you care less than I do about it.)

I Don't Want

2008-01-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

...to overstate the obvious, but eggs are REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

Outboard Motor

2007-11-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

This is kind of good.

Guess what just happened. You'll never guess. I'd better tell you.

Backstory: Ok, so I've got this next-door neighbor who wants exclusive rights to the parking space in front of his house. He accosted me a few weeks ago as I was getting out of my car and started going on and on about how the city will tow my car if it's in the same spot for 72 hours, and how I was in one particular space for two weeks (which, I later figured out, was the space that he felt he was entitled to). I basically told him that since I live right here, it makes sense that my car would be parked here and that I'll park anywhere I feel like parking. See here for more details of that episode.

What I forgot to mention in my earlier account was that the guy has been terrorizing the neighborhood for years.

When I first moved in a few months ago, Carl across the alley told me to watch out for that guy, and to make sure that I never leave my car in one place for too long, because he'll call Parking Enforcement.

A few weeks later, I was standing on my balcony at 3 AM when I heard someone yell-whispering, "Hey! Hey neighbor!" I looked down and it was Steve from across the street, calling up to me. "I just wanted to warn you that the guy next door to you is an asshole! If anyone's ever parked in front of his house and the car hangs over into his driveway, even an inch, he'll call Parking Enforcement and they'll get a ticket. He's done it to me before! That guy's an asshole!" then he told me the same thing that Carl across the alley told me, that he'll call Parking Enforcement if he thinks any car hasn't moved in a few days.

I don't know how I could have forgotten to mention all this in my original account, but there it is.

I should also add that I've seen chalk marks on my tires, indicating that Parking Enforcement is observing my car to see whether it 's moved in 72 hours, and that the city will only come out and do that if someone calls them to report the car. This means he's been trying to have my car towed, knowing fully well that it's my car and that I drive it and I live right next door.

OK, so today I parked my car in front of his house. Not in his very own personal space, but just behind it, leaving plenty of room in front for a normal car, but not quite enough for his giant truck thing with the Angels "A" and the Jesus fish.

When I was walking the dog later, I noticed that his truck thing was, interestingly, parked in his spot. His rear bumper was (no lie) about an inch away from my front bumper, and the front of his truck thing was hanging over his driveway a couple of feet. If someone parked close behind me, there'd be no way I could've gotten out of that spot.

I think everyone knows that it's illegal to block a driveway with your vehicle. I guess he kind of thinks the law applies to everyone else except him, kind of, or something.

Then I started thinking, "Hmm, Parking Enforcement...hmm. I can't see any reason why I shouldn't be a good citizen by reporting this infraction to the proper authorities!"

So I looked up the number and I called, figuring if it took more than a minute, I'd just forget about it, but it only took a few seconds before I was talking to someone.

I said, "Yes, there's a car blocking the driveway out front. It's nearly impossible for anyone to get in or out."

The Parking Enforcement guy said, "Ok, do you want us to cite it or tow it?"

?!?

I asked, "Isn't that up to you guys?" "No sir," he responded, "It's up to you. Of course, the car needs to be blocking the entire driveway for us to tow it."

"That won't be necessary," I said. "A citation should be sufficient." He told me, "All right, I'll send someone out there."

Good ol' City Hall!

You see, I've never attempted to exact revenge on someone before. Oh, sure, I've defended people's honor(s), and told people off, and played a practical joke here and there, but nothing like this.

I was convinced that nothing would happen.

A few minutes later, I was in the kitchen, and I saw, through the window, the telltale yellow lights of Parking Enforcement illuminating the surrounding buildings. Imagine my glee. I crept out onto the balcony, and peered over the railing. The Parking Enforcement guy was walking around the giant truck thing, shining his flashlight on the license plates, and writing something on a little tablet. I swear to jesus, my heart was beating so fast. I was positive that it was going to backfire on me right then and there. I imagined the Parking Enforcement guy spotting me and pointing, "Hey you!"

Then, as swiftly as he had arrived, the Parking Enforcement man disappeared, in a whirl of glittery glitter, leaving a gleaming white parking ticket on the windshield of my neighbor's giant truck thing.

Viva la Revolución!

Att-i-CA! Att-i-CA!

I have the strangest sensation, something I've never felt before. What is it? I can't describe it. What can it be?

Ah, yes!

It's JUSTICE.

Project #1: Birthday Card

2007-11-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

Now's the time of year when charities send you Christmas cards in the mail, asking for donations. Whether or not you decide to give, we're going to show you how to use these cards to make your very own delightful greeting cards, suitable for any occasion. We're going to make a birthday card as our example.

Step 1: Choose a card.
We decided to choose a card with the image below. Nice...but it hardly screams "birthday." Step 2: Add "birthday" elements.
Since we were going for a birthday theme, we decided to use paint to add a cake, candles, and party hats, but you can just as easily add shamrocks or Lincoln beards.

Step 3: Eliminate any Christmas-specific words.
I changed the word "season" to "birthday," and I signed it "Paul," but you can use any name.

Step 4: Voilà.
Give the card to someone. I gave this one to my mother, but you can give yours to anyone.

Thanks for joining us. Next week, we'll show you how to make altruism using nothing but a book of matches and the planet Jupiter. Bye for now!

Naval

2007-10-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I parked my car on the street in front of the building in which I reside, and as I'm unloading stuff, my next-door neighbor lumbers toward me. We haven't actually been formally introduced; but I recognized him, and I was all smiles and, "Hi," expecting him to say something like, "Say, you didn't happen to notice any..." or, "By any chance do you have a..." or better still, "Would you like a box full of..."

But no.

He says, "You know, you can only park here for 72 hours."

I responded, "What?"

"You can only park on the street for 72 hours. They'll chalk your tire and tow you away."

"Um, I live here," I said, kind of annoyed, gesturing toward the nearest building. "That's why I park here."

After a pause he said, "Well, you can only park on the street for 72 hours."

"OK, great, thanks," I retorted in the most dismissive possible way as I turned my back on him and reached into the car for another box. When I surfaced, he was still standing there.

He continued, "There was that time when you were parked in that spot for two weeks." He gestured toward a spot in which sat his giant stretch truck/SUV/whatever-the-crap with the Jesus fish stuck right next to the Anaheim Angels' haloed "A." It was pretty obvious to me that he wanted exclusive rights to park in this prized spot, which was right in front of his house, and right next to his driveway.

I gave my best are-you-really-wasting-my-time-with-this-crap look, and said, "Two weeks? I don't really know what you're talking about, but since I live right here it only makes sense that I'd park here." I have this problem where, when someone's being an ass, I'm almost invariably way too nice about it, and I was trying not to fall into the too-nice trap, but I may have done it anyway because deep down, I'm a pushover. -And a bit of a fraidy-cat.

Then he says, "OK, you know, I was just wondering whose car it was," and I just continued unloading my car and didn't say anything and finally he left.

You know, I just don't like being strong-armed by anyone, especially a lumbering dumbass with a Jesus fish and a haloed "A" on his giant vehicle.

So I decided that he'll never park in his prized spot again. Here's what I'm doing: I get home before him in the evenings. I'm parking in his prized spot for three days, THEN I'm moving the car one spot back for the next three days , BUT I'm only leaving enough room in front for a normal-sized car, NOT his giant truck thing. If he tried to park there, he'd block his own driveway. And get towed.

So three days in the one spot, three days in the other. Rinse and repeat. It's been going on for two weeks now. I usually drive my other car anyway.

Eff with ME, mother effer?

I don't give an eff.

Nickels and Apricots

2007-10-11T22:05:00.001-07:00

In keeping with the concept of time, which allegedly marches on, I've updated the official The Gold State website, and more changes are soon to come.

OK, let's not get too excited, people.

Tank Top Memories

2007-09-22T10:02:00.001-07:00

Is Jesus appearing to the truck on the beach, or is this a depiction of the fact that the truck is in Jesus' crew? Maybe the truck is daydreaming about being on the beach with the bloody corpse of Christ.

We may never know the true meaning of this work, and I have a feeling that it's probably for the best.

Corkscrew

2007-08-18T02:47:00.001-07:00

Here's another picture I took with 35mm film in my 120 Holga. Feel free to view more examples here.

You can thank me later.

Lift, Lorry

2007-08-14T20:25:00.001-07:00

I went to Averill Park and took some pics with 35mm film in my Holga camera. Here is a length of it (the film). (See if you can spot the waterfall.)

Life is worth living again.

Jesus Ritter

2007-07-18T14:12:00.001-07:00

This nearly completes my collection. If anyone has the Suzanne Somers Mary Magdalene or the Don Knotts John The Baptist, please contact me.

New Underwear Lane Comic

2007-07-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

Hey, here's a brand new Underwear Lane comic that I hereby urge you to enjoy.

Hey, don't look at me; I don't write this crap (Well, actually, I do, but only in the most literal possible sense).

Maverick Espresso

2007-06-15T12:43:00.001-07:00

How often do you see John Gary records in thrift stores?

A lot, actually. But how often do you see two copies of "The One and Only John Gary" side by side?

Probably a lot, actually, now that I think about it.

We Made It Back in One Piece, But That's Bad, Because We Left in Two Pieces

2007-06-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

I sit here in utter amazement.

I just used Super Glue to fix something, and the two surfaces I was trying to bond actually bonded and the thing is totally fixed.

This is a first. I think the secret to making it work is who the crap knows.

San Pedro Science Center - Closing?

2007-06-04T11:31:00.001-07:00

These and lots of other animals live at the San Pedro Science Center, which is in very real danger of losing funding and being closed down, as I just found out. We used to have field trips there when I was a kid, and I watched chicks hatching in an incubator, among other amazing things. I can unreservedly say the Science Center helped nurture my love for animals.

Here's some contact info for local government folks that you can write to if you'd like to try to help save the Science Center. It could close in July, which is next month!

Councilwoman Janice Hahn:
councilmember.hahn@lacity.org

LAUSD board member Mike Lansing:
mike.lansing@lausd.net

Chief Instructional Officer Bob Collins:
Not sure, but probably bob.collins@lausd.net or robert.collins@lausd.net

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa:
Mayor@lacity.org

Click on the pic to see more of my photos of the Science Center on flickr.

New Underwear Lane Comic

2007-05-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

There's a brand new Underwear Lane comic posted, and it's a real winner. This one doesn't contain any cursing, though.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Give the Gift that Keeps

2007-05-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Brite Spot Mexican Restaurant on 7th and Pacific in San Pedro, California!

Sittin' On the Ritz

2007-05-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

I was waiting in line for coffee at the coffee place this morning, and way ahead of me at the counter was a girl wearing a really great skirt.

I thought, "That is such a great skirt."

Then I started thinking that I wanted to tell her what a great skirt that was, and I began to debate the potential creepiness of a comment to a strange girl about the greatness of her skirt. Eventually, it was my turn to order coffee and I forgot about the skirt.

As I was creaming and sugaring my coffee, the girl with the great skirt appeared next to me, creaming and sugaring her coffee. Without even thinking, I said, "That is such a great skirt, I wish I could pull it off."

Of course, what I meant to do in that split second that the words were coming out of my mouth was to nullify the potential creepiness/aggressiveness of my comment with a joke about how I wanted to wear the skirt, thereby feminizing and dorkifying myself so as to seem less threatening.

That's what I meant to do, but it sounded like a cheap pickup line about how I wanted to take her clothes off.

Amazingly, she started laughing right away, even before I said, "Oh, wow, I did NOT mean it like that, I can't believe what I just said," and she started joking about how the skirt comes in many different sizes, and she was sure I could kind one to fit me, however, now that she thinks about it, she did buy the skirt in Sri Lanka, and so the price of a plane ticket might make the skirt prohibitively expensive.

Then we bantered for a while longer in an amazingly effortless and enjoyable exchange.

And I'll never ever see her again.

THE END

Ye Olde La Grande Jatte

2007-05-09T11:50:00.001-07:00

I found another new old Polaroid camera called a ProPack at the magic thrift store the other day. It takes pack film, which is the kind you have to manually pull out of the camera, time, and peel.

I still can't quite get the hang of the exposure and focus settings, and although this picture isn't technically "good," I like it anyway, so I'm sharing.

And caring.

Drugstore Cattle Rustler

2007-05-07T02:58:00.001-07:00

This is my new Optigan, the OPTIcal orGAN. On it, one can play raucous, house-bringing-down numbers, as well as tender ballads. Here, you can see a tender ballad being played.

Your Own Private Benjamin

2007-05-07T02:57:00.001-07:00

This is my new Optigan, the OPTIcal orGAN. On it, one can play raucous, house-bringing-down numbers, as well as tender ballads. Here, you can see a raucous, house-bringing-down number being played.

The Gold State @ Long Beach State

2007-05-02T00:15:00.001-07:00

This was taken at the 2007 Kaleidoscope Festival at Long Beach State University, where we were having quite the time, despite how it looks. My mom took these pics.

Let's Put On A Show!

2007-04-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

The Gold State is playing this weekend at 2:00 on Saturday, April 28, 2007 at the Kaleidoscope Festival at Cal State Long Beach. It's an outdoor festival thing that the university puts on every year which apparently attracts 30,000 visitors. Exactly 30,000. One year, they realized they had undercounted and they had to kick someone out. Oddly enough, except for that one screw-up, there have never been any more or less than 30,000 visitors.

Not that there haven't been deliberate attempts to thwart the official count by pranksters using false moustaches and bad espadrilles.

(I probably should have said, "And/or bad espadrilles.")

The stage will be just west of the Vivian Engineering Building on the easternmost side of the campus. Our best friend band, The Black Heartthrobs, will also be playing just after us, at 3:00.

Parking is free, and admission is free. There'll be lots of food and all kinds of things to do, maybe even things you'll enjoy.

The Gold State - 2:00
The Black Heartthrobs - 3:00
2007 Kaleidoscope Festival
California State University, Long Beach
1250 Bellflower Boulevard
Long Beach, CA 90840
Free parking & free admission
(Click for Directions)

Dog & Camera Show

2007-04-20T11:16:00.001-07:00

I really hate to anthropomorphize Stu by implying that there was any kind of human-ish motivation behind his decision to pose next to the Polaroid SX-70 Model 2, so I won't.

Thrift Store: Stuffed Eiffel Tower

2007-04-17T14:20:00.001-07:00

...for when you've outgrown your stuffed Hoover Dam.

LONG LIVE SOCIALIST DEMOCRACY!

2007-04-14T23:17:00.001-07:00

Today I bought a new/old Polaroid Spectra camera. It was the top-o'-th'-line back in the 80s.

My li'l sis took this one of me in mom's bathroom. I really like how the Spectra automatically does "vignetting," or darkening at the edges of the picture.

I didn't alter this photo in Photoshop or anything. Swear to "god."

New Underwear Lane Comic

2007-04-13T00:53:00.000-07:00

There's a new one, all right.

Raisinette in the Sun

2007-04-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

Jesus must be rolling over in his grave.

Caption, anyone?

I Now Have A Camera Phone

2007-04-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I turned down two offers to go to really fun-sounding parties so I could help my ex-girlfriend move furniture and assemble a really heavy bookcase.

That's how I roll.

I know it kind of ruins the story, but afterwards she bought me dinner at my favorite Cuban restaurant, Versailles (see above camera photo).

One of Cardinal Richelieu's Most Unscrupulous Agents

2007-04-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

I was at a party last night and some of the guests were in another room, playing with a Ouija board that someone had made a using a piece of cardboard and a shotglass. I don't believe in ghosts at all, and I've never played with a Ouija board before.

At one point in the evening, a few of us went into the bedroom to play with the board. At first, a girl and I both had our fingers on the glass and nothing happened. I think it was because whenever I felt the glass start to move a little, I knew it wasn't me, so I'd say, "You're moving it," and she'd deny it, but it would stop moving. She's a good friend, so I guess I felt comfortable openly accusing her of cheating.

A bit later, though, I tried it with a guy I 'd never met before, and a girl that I don't really know that well, and when the glass started moving, it wasn't obvious who was doing it. I know it wasn't me, though.

The girl was obviously well acquainted with spirit world etiquette, and she was asking "it" questions, but the glass just spelled out gibberish. She very sympathetically asked, "Are you confused?" At that point, "it" started spelling out, "F-U, F-U, F-U," repeatedly. Then she asked, "Do you want us to leave you alone," and the glass shot over to the "Goodbye" word.

I totally think all that stuff's bullshit, but I fully got the proverbial willies! The girl played it off so well, as if she really thought she was talking to a "ghost." I realized then that part of the reason the Ouija board "works" is because the participants unconciously cooperate, so as not to spoil the fun for everyone else.

That's my theory anyway. Pretty smart, huh?

Immediately afterward, in the next room, I was talking to a guy who had watched the "seance" thing, and he was telling me about how he's convinced his house is haunted. I very respectfully made it really clear that I don't believe in "ghosts" or whatever and I asked him to describe what kinds of stuff happened at his house. He cited instances of finding a door unlocked when he knew he had locked it.

I said, "A skeptic would say that you just forgot to lock the door."

He said, "But I always lock that door. I lock it every single day."

As an example, I said, "Well, sometimes, you'll be walking around and you'll notice that your zipper is down, right? But you'd swear you didn't leave it down. We go to the bathroom several times a day, and it seems like it'd be automatic for us to zip up every time, but sometimes we just forget."

With that, I looked down and my fly was open.

Swear to "god."

Friend Roman Countryman

2007-03-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

In response to numerous complaints, I fixed the Lincoln block portrait. There were a couple of orange Post-its where light blue ones should have been, and vice-versa.

Happy?

Miscreants & Fussbudgets

2007-03-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

Hey, bastards! There's a brand-new Underwear Lane comic. Don't ask me how I did it, but this one doesn't contain even one f-word.

I promise, it'll never happen again.

Go To Chapel, Get Married

2007-03-27T23:33:00.001-07:00

Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out

2007-03-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

I see some of you glaring jealously at me at school and in the mall.

Just because I have more luxurious facial hair than you, and just because I've chosen to nurture it in a manner that you hadn't thought of, and just because you're suddenly filled with a burning desire to copy my beard's exact look but you know it would take you months to get your facial hair to this point IF you even had the stamina to go unshaven for months and IF you didn't fuck it up miserably in the process and by then you'd probably see someone else whose look you'd decide to rip off anyway you shouldn't hate me.

Go hate somebody else for a change. Go glare at somebody with mutton chops or a handlebar moustache.

Or a Fu Manchu.

Shitty Haircuts Are Still "In," Right?

2007-03-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

OK, here we go.

I haven't been writing here very much lately, as you may have noticed, and I kind of don't want to get too personal on this little "blog" thing, but I thought I'd toss out a few tidbits of "news," for the benefit of anyone who cares.

I had the crappiest holiday season ever. I'll go chronologically.

I quit my "day job," which was actually one of the best decisions I've ever made, but it was just kind of stressful to cut myself off from my income source around the holidays like that. The work was boring, boring, boring, but most of my other coworkers loved it, and worked through lunch every day, stayed until 8:00 every night, came in on the weekends, and worked from home every evening, all for free. I started hating all the self importance, and the passive/aggressive guilt trips. I got fed up and quit just before Xmas. I'm never working for a place like that again. I'm currently going to school full-time, which is good because I'll actually finish soon.

My grandmother died, and that sucked, as you can probably imagine. She went into the hospital on Xmas and I visited her almost every day. She died last month. It was really depressing.

What else? Oh yeah. My girlfriend and I broke up. It's really as amicable as this type of thing could possibly be, but I've been pretty much devastated. We were together a long time, and we really care about each other a lot. We're trying our best to be friends, and so far so good. Nothing "happened," neither of us did anything "bad" to the other, neither of us "hooked-up" with the other's friends.

It still really sucks, though.

All right. Thanks for "listening." Happy Saint Patrick's Day, b'gosh and begorrah!

Bonds: Rate-Cut Expectations Fall by Wayside

2007-03-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

This is us, back in November at the Unurban in Santa Monica, courtesy of the ever-patient Laura. She actually recorded an entire song, in a really good manner, but it was too big to upload to Youtube, and I was too lazy to fix it, so here you go.

Enjoy!

Our Next Show

2007-02-24T18:27:00.000-08:00

Are you guys doing anything this Friday evening, the 2nd of March (TO-NITE)?

Good, because The Gold State is playing our first show of the year at Sacred Grounds, here in San Pedro.

Oh yeah, did I mention it's free? No, I know I didn't mention it yet, but it is free. How much would you expect to pay for something like this? Doesn't matter, because it's free regardless.

So maybe we'll see you there, right?

Oh, wait a second. Did I mention that we're playing with my favorite band, The Black Heartthrobs? No, I don't think I mentioned that, but it's true. You're probably thinking that you'll have to pay something in order to watch them, right? It's totally understandable that you'd think that, but you can watch both The Gold State and The Black Heartthrobs for free.

How can we do this?

Robot wizards. That's how.

Friday, 02 Mar 2007
The Black Heartthrobs - 8:00
The Gold State - 9:00
Sacred Grounds
468 W. 6th St., San Pedro, California 90731
Cost : Free
All Ages

Happy Weird Valentine's Day

2007-02-15T08:30:00.000-08:00

Make your own here.

New Underwear Lane Comic

2007-02-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

There's a brand-new Underwear Lane posted, so hang on to them hats and glasses, folks, 'cause this here's the wildest webcomic in the wilderness!

Tonight's Fortunes

2007-02-09T00:42:00.000-08:00

Scent-of-a-Woman-Al Pacino

2007-02-05T00:14:00.000-08:00

I've got a beard, a beard with an almost-capital "b." I am, quite possibly, the beardiest I've ever been in my life, and that's saying a lot.

I rode out the itchy stage where I constantly fought the urge to run into the bathroom to buzz it off. That was torture.

You set little benchmarks for yourself when you're struggling with whether to shave a beard or not. For example: "I can't shave it now, I've gone past the Brian Wilson stage, and now it's Mike Love. I'll shave it when it's Carl. Definitely before Dennis."

This Current Year

2007-01-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

Underwear Lane

2007-01-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

There's a brand new, "funny," webcomic "out there" called Underwear Lane. Why don't you go check it out?

It's guaranteed to put a smile on your face and nowhere else.

Mortar Pedestal

2007-01-03T21:17:00.000-08:00

Question: What's the most jaunty article of clothing or accessory?

Happy Misgiving

2006-12-27T01:29:00.000-08:00

Box

2006-11-27T12:46:00.001-08:00

There's nothing like listening to Herb Alpert while eating grapefruit over the sink.

Bloomin' Onion

2006-11-14T12:43:00.000-08:00

Crystal's Folger

2006-11-12T22:46:00.001-08:00

MacArthur Park, which is made entirely from General Douglas MacArthur

Today, I was given the opportunity to go onto the roof of the US Bank Tower in Downtown Los Angeles, which, at 1,018 feet, is the tallest building on the West Coast. As you can imagine, "they" don't just let anyone go up there. I'm not kidding. Try to go up there, and you'll see what happens.

Echo Park, which is not returning my phone calls

There are no guardrails up there (no joke), and I'm not exactly sure why I wasn't more terrified than I was. I guess it was because there was a lot to look at and there wasn't much wind. Before we'd gone up, I had visions of getting blown off by big gusts or a major earthquake cracking the building in half, leaving me flailing through space. Just thinking about it now is making me queasy. I really expected that I'd feel the building swaying or something, but I didn't notice anything like that at all. It was just like being on the ground except for a few occasional flashes of cold, crippling, fear-of-heights panic.

Please enjoy the fun pictures I took from up there, and a couple I took later.

The birthplace of fill-in-the-blank

That's City Hall in the background, perhaps ironically, but maybe not

Rococo Rickshaw

2006-11-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Here's some video of our performance the other night. The camera was held by a robot that exploded later in the evening.

The robot wore a shirt but no pants.

Sanka

2006-11-06T00:40:00.000-08:00

Left to Right: Me, David (Thanks, Amanda!)

Those of you that came to hear us on Saturday at the Unurban: Thanks! That was probably the best show we ever played, I think.

Me (Thanks, Amanda!)

Saturday

2006-11-02T22:26:00.000-08:00

Padre Pio's Revenge

2006-10-30T23:25:00.000-08:00

Left to right: My Jack O' Lantern, Amanda's

We're roasting pumpkin seeds right now, which seems kind of ruthless, in a way.

Pines and Needles

2006-10-29T15:58:00.000-08:00

Longtime "readers" will know that I don't consider this one of those "party blogs," and I don't feel like anyone would want to look at self-indulgent pictures of me and my friends clowning around and mugging for the camera, but this is different. This is music-related, so there's an excuse.

For Halloween, my friend Brian (who happens to be in The Gold State) put together a sort-of Devo tribute band that dressed as Devo and played all Devo songs. David and Leo of The Gold State were also in the band. Their versions of the songs were amazingly spot-on renditions, and I wish I got to hear more, but I was late to the party because I had mistakenly thought it was supposed to take place the following night. I probably shouldn't admit this. Thankfully, somebody called me and I got the message around 10:00.

Left to Right: Leo, Brian, Mr. P, David, Ricardo

Amanda and I were probably dressed as the most obvious things a couple could have possibly been for Halloween. You guessed it: Marie Antoinette and a pizza box chef, respectively.

Left to Right: Me, Amanda

Left to Right: Same as above, Amanda

CMG's Carlos DJed (dressed as Duff from Guns and Roses, as if you couldn't tell). He displayed the ultimate trust in me by letting me reluctantly take over the turntables for a half hour or so later in the evening. Needless to say, I played a completely unappetizing mixture of songs that repelled partygoers in droves. One thing I learned: One should never follow Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" with Hall & Oates' "Did it In a Minute."

Left to Right: Me, Carlos
Left to Right: You get the picture

Left to Right: Me, Brian

Left to Right: Me, Leo

I learned that my nose is really, really big, and I'm never going to grow a moustache, no matter what, partially because it accentuates the bigness of my nose in a bad way. I also learned to write down things such as dates of parties.

No more mugging party pics for quite some time. I promise.

Tin of Biscuits

2006-10-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

Here's another primitive Instant Messenger drawing from my "Pants-Wetting Icons" series.

Please enjoy your H-ween weekend.

Ambergris

2006-10-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Do you know what ambergris is? I've heard of it before, and all I knew was that it was a vaguely nautical substance that's mentioned in sea-fairin' tales and the like. I found out recently that it's really expensive, so expensive, in fact, that if you find a chunk of it on a beach, you can use the proceeds to buy a house or two.

Ambergris has been used as an ingredient in perfume for ages due to its unique odor and properties. It comes only from sperm whales. Because the whales eat lots of giant squid, a substance forms in their digestive tracts that protects them from the squid's sharp beaks. After this substance collects inside a whale for some time, the whale will belch out a big ball of it into the water.

However, at this point, the ball of stuff is just smelly and disgusting and repellent. In order for it to achieve the texture, fragrance and chemical properties that make it more valuable, it has to float around in the ocean.

For TEN YEARS.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention that it's believed only one percent of sperm whales actually produce this substance.

So keep your eyes peeled.

Oh, one more thing, it's illegal to posses it in the US because of the Endangered Species Act of 1978.

Nighty night.

Packet of Crisps

2006-10-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

"They" make us use Microsoft Instant Messenger to communicate with each other at my day job, and occasionally I use its primitive drawing tools to execute things like the above. Just thought I'd share.

Beaches

2006-10-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

My "Best Gal" and I both ditched our day jobs Friday to go to Disneyland, and let me tell you.

Should I start with the stuff that sucked or the stuff that was good? I obviously can't hear you, so I'll pretend you said, "The stuff that sucked." Here's what sucked at Disneyland:

The Haunted Mansion - This should have been the highlight for me. What time of year is it? It's nearly Halloween, isn't it? And what better time to enjoy the Haunted Mansion? But no. For the season, they've decked the Haunted Mansion out in "Nightmare Before Christmas" stuff, inside and out. They changed almost every single thing!
I craved the creepy organ music, and the rocking basslines that you used to be able to hear during the graveyard party scene, but it's all been replaced with crappy, new-agey Danny Elfman garbage.
No more, "Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding," and, "Is this haunted room actually stretching," either. The narrator's whole spiel has been replaced with some "Nightmare Before Christmas" songsong-y, rhyme-y crap.
As if this weren't bad enough everything has been covered with "snow" and "presents," and it's so poorly executed, it looks like it could have been done by the San Pedro Scrapbookin' Club.
I could go on. My advice is don't go to Disneyland until they change it back. I'm done talking about it. I'm going to have nightmares.
Pirates of the Caribbean - I've heard rumors that this ride has been ruined by the addition of crap from the recent "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, which is only partially true, and for that, I'm grateful. I'll tell you what they've done.
They've changed some audio to include awkward, out-of-place references to "Captian Jack Sparrow." For example, in the scene where the ship and the fortress are exchanging cannon-fire, the ship's captain used to say something like, "Avast ye, scurvy scum," but now he says something like, "Avast ye, scurvy scum, Captian Jack Sparrow!"
There are also several new animatronic "Captian Jack Sparrows," that really look like Johnny Depp. The problem is that all the other pirates look somewhat cartoonish, so it's totally incongruent and lame and fucked up. Goddamn it, why? Do you people have no fucking shame whatsoever?
Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln - In case you've never seen this (and most people haven't and don't care) the Mr. Lincoln is good ol' Honest Abe the Great Emancipator, or rather, an animatronic version of Ol' Iron Logs himself. What happens is you enter a theater and watch a little Patriotic slide show that's accompanied by America-y, "Glory Glory, hallelujah," music, and then the curtain opens to reveal a robotic Old chicory who gives a Gettysburg address. I've forced countless faceless and nameless girlfriends to watch it over the years, girls whose faces and names escape me.
Apparently, the Lincoln attraction was always considered "boring" by most people, and the Disney brass always wanted to get rid of it, but they kept it around because it was a pet project of Uncle Walt's.
Much to my pissed-offness, it's gone now, but only temporarily, I was assured. The theater is now showing some "50-Years of Disneyland" thing, but the lady who worked there told me they'd bring back Lincoln as soon as that show was over, but conveniently, she didn't know when that would be.
Toontown - I wish it would go away. It's not good.

All the other stuff I loved that is now destroyed, has been gone for years, so I won't even mention any of it. On with the good stuff:

Pirates of the Caribbean - The 90% that hasn't been ruined is awesome!
The Indiana Jones Ride - It's so good, I can't believe it was made in the 90s.
Small World - It's worth it purely for the retro design elements.
Space Mountain - It's totally better than it was, I can't explain it.
Enchanted Tiki Room - Oh my god. How does this even exist anymore? How did the minds that decided to destroy midcentury classics like Mission to Mars and Adventure Through Innerspace allow this to remain?
Teacups - Teacups!!!!
All the Fantasyland Rides - Hooray!
The Primordial World - As seen from the Disneyland Railroad train. Somehow, this slipped through the cracks and was allowed to remain in existence.
Everything else that slipped through the cracks and was allowed to remain in existence - Tom Sawyer's Island, The Storybook boat thing, etc.
FastPass - My method is to go do the weird stuff that nobody likes (Mr. Lincoln, Tom Sawyer's Island, etc.) when the lines are long, and the FastPass thing totally enhances that.

Here's a free, unflattering picture of us on the new Buzz Lightyear ride which is kind of fun but who cares. You shoot stuff from the moving car thing and get points. They email you the unflattering photo for free, which is good publicity, because now, Reader Dearest, you're suddenly willing to shell out the 60-something bucks it costs to enter Disneyland, right?

Wait 'til the Haunted Mansion gets back to normal, though. I'm warning you.

Computer Software

2006-10-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

I promise to be funny again very soon. In the meantime, please allow your whole family to enjoy these pictures of The Gold State last week at 14 Below in Santa Monica.

(Thanks for the pics, Amanda!)

Czechs & Balances

2006-10-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

The Gold State, puzzled and vibrating at 14 Below (Photo: Thanks, Amanda!)

Stand By Your Mansion

2006-10-02T13:19:00.000-07:00

Here's the dream I had last night:

The Gold State was playing a show in a 70s-era supermarket. I was up high near the ceiling at the back of the store on some kind of balcony thing with some employees who were listening to us.

I noticed that the other guys in the band weren't on the balcony with me, but I could hear them playing. It turned out that they were scattered separately all throughout the store in different aisles. I remember seeing the drums in the front corner of the store near the produce. None of the guys could see the others, but I could see all of them, as I was up on the balcony thing. I remembered thinking that it was a bizarre and probably bad idea for a show.

That's all I remember.

This dream could have something to do with the fact that we have a real, live, 21-&-over, FREE show tomorrow night (Tuesday) at 14 Below in Santa Monica with The Black Heartthrobs. Not that you should go or anything, but our band is really good and The Black Heartthrobs are really good.

Not that you should go or anything.

Clear as a Daisy

2006-09-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hello and Jesus Christ. Here are a couple of upcoming free shows we're playing:

10/03/2006 9:00 PM (TUESDAY) - 14 Below
Don't miss The Black Heartthrobs at 10:00pm!
1348 14th St, Santa Monica, CA
21 & Over
FREE

11/04/2006 9:00 PM (SATURDAY) - UnUrban Cafe
3301 Pico Blvd, Santa Monica, CA
All Ages
FREE

Gosh bless America...every one.

Schick Center

2006-09-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

The first half of the following conversation happened to a friend.

"Hey, do you like Mercury?"

Pause.

"Um...are you asking about the substance or the planet?"

Pause.

"Planet? Naw, man! I'm askin' about the GOD Mercury!"

Pause.

"Oh, the god. Yeah, he's pretty good."

Listmania!

2006-09-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

We're fortunate to have so many generous friends with cameras.

More The Gold State, crowded onto the Unurban's tiny stage.
(Thanks for the photos, Amanda!)

You Are Soaking In it

2006-09-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

The Gold State, crowded onto the Unurban's tiny stage.
(Thanks for the photo, Gerit!)

It's a Boy and/or Girl!

2006-09-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

Here's your Print-and-keep "The Gold State at the Unurban Cafe" Camera Flyer.

You can cut out the camera and everyone will think you're holding it at a three-quarter angle, about to photograph someone other than them.

CLAMBAKE: Epilogue

2006-09-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

We held the first CLAMBAKE(!) on Saturday, and we definitely learned a few things about holding a guerilla-style, all-acoustic beach/party show. More importantly, however, I think we all learned a little something about (pointing at chest) ourselves.

If you don't have time to read the whole thing, the following statement should convey the nature of the event: Our CLAMBAKE(!) turned out to be "A Charlie Brown Xmas" meets "National Lampoon's Vacation." Have fun at work.

Some of the planners and I agreed in advance to view this first CLAMBAKE(!) as an experiment of sorts, as a precaution against becoming disappointed in case things didn't go as smoothly as we'd hoped, which was fortunate.

I should first mention why we chose Dockweiler as opposed to other area beaches. We (the planners) had all agreed that fire was an essential element for our event, and there are only two beaches in the whole LA area where fire is allowed: Cabrillo Beach here in San Pedro, which is my own personal Alma Mater beach where I spent a great portion of my childhood, and Dockweiler State Beach which is directly beneath the flight path at LAX. We anticipated big crowds because of the Labor Day weekend holiday, and Cabrillo only has about five fire pits. However, Dockweiler has a seemingly infinite number of pits so I figured we'd have better luck there.

I arrived at 4:00 PM and there were no fire pits to be had on the whole goddamn beach. I planted the flag and figured that we'd merely grab the first pit to be vacated. I'll just tell you now, no pits ever opened up.

We all decided, at around sunset, that we wouldn't allow the lack of fire to sully our CLAMBAKE(!) so The Black Heartthrobs started their set, and it was really good.
We had all expressed concerns about the lack of amplified vocals, but it turned out to not be a problem. (We'd even talked about cheating a bit and bringing microphones.) I don't know why, but the singing and the instruments all came across at about the same volume.

By the time the The Black Heartthrobs finished, it had become apparent that all the fire pit-hoarders were there to stay, so I was a little worried about the sun going down and coldness setting in. In addition, we couldn't roast or toast anything, but I tried to put on a brave front.

Then CMG started their set, and during the second song, someone noticed that a tow truck was taking CMG Carlos's car! We scrambled up the hill, and we saw that the street signs were very ambiguous, and it took us a while to even figure out why they had towed it. As you might imagine, this put quite a damper on the already-fireless evening. The phone number-to-call on the street signs was a disconnected number, so we had to track down a policeman in order to get that information.

When we returned to our site, it was pretty much dark. Several revelers were getting ready to leave, and one volunteered to give Carlos a ride to the impound yard. It didn't seem that he was going to return, and I didn't blame him at all. The CLAMBAKErs shivered and huddled together for warmth in the grey twilight as the rest of the beach was ablaze in bonfires. Dockweiler was going to close in less than two hours, and I mulled over the possibility that Jesus once again had us licked.

People were complaining about being cold and hungry and about there not being fire, and I can't blame them because I felt the same way, and the clock was ticking and the threat of cars being towed loomed large, and it seemed like the CLAMBAKE(!) just might be finished.

Someone earlier in the day (I think it was my sister Michelle) had suggested buying a small hibachi-style barbecue thingy for us to use. Even though the only "legal" place to have a fire on the beach was inside the stone fire pits, we decided that we'd take our chances and buy one at the nearest supermarket. Everyone assured me that they'd wait until I returned.

Naturally, the market didn't have anything like a small hibachi-style barbecue thingy at all. After almost giving up, I spotted some aluminum baking pans, and I chose one that would have been suitable for baking a turkey, and I also bought a small bag of light-in-bag charcoal. Not so fast, "Prince of Peace!"

I arrived back at camp and I was promptly mocked for my aluminum baking pan, but after we lit the coal and the revelers began warming themselves and toasting/roasting things, all was merry and bright. (See picture of flaming pan below.) This is the part of the CLAMBAKE(!) that's reminiscent of the Charlie Brown Xmas special.
Then The Gold State played and during our set, CMG's Carlos came back. It was all a mistake! The police apologized and gave him his car back (that part's actually not true, but he did come back). Then CMG played and everyone hugged.

Things we learned:

No CLAMBAKE(!)s on holidays weekends
I forgot the other thing.

The next one will be in a couple of months, and we hope that it'll be more of a "Grinch Stole Xmas" meets "Caddyshack" kind of thing.

CLAMBAKE!

2006-08-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday (September 2nd), we're having a "beach party" thing where we and a few friends' bands will play. It'll be fun. You better go. Here are some details:

CLAMBAKE!

Have you gotten the most out of summer? Neither have we! The CLAMBAKE is a guerilla-style, all-acoustic outdoor beach party/show to help us ring out the summer season. Where Imperial Highway dumps into the ocean, turn right and park on the street, OR be fancy and pay $7 to park in the lot. We'll be at the northernmost firepit that we can secure. Look for the CLAMBAKE flag, which should be visually pleasing and will have been made by some artistic type or other. Bring wood, food & drinks for burning and eating and drinking (respectively).

MAP

Lineup:
7:00 -The Gold State-
6:00 -CMG-
5:00 -The Black Heartthrobs-
& Possibly More TBA

-Goodbye cruel summer!